" Sometimes you just have to take the leap and find your wings on the way down "
" The quickest way to find your smile is to help someone else find theirs "
" Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened "
" Don't wait for your ship to come in, start swimming "
" A bend in the road isn't the end of the road, unless you fail to take the curve "
" What one can be, one must be "
" You miss 100% of the shots you don't take "
" People who say it cannot be done should stay out of the way of those who are doing it "
" The only thing necessary for evil to conquer is for good people to do nothing "
" If you really want to be happy, no one can stop you "
" An eye for an eye and the world goes blind "
" Today is the tomorrow that you were worried about yesterday "
" If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always got "
" Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be an oncoming train "
" Some people are like slinkys, in and of themselves they serve no purpose, but both bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs"
September 12, 2010
September 11, 2010
September 11th
Today is the ninth anniversary of the Sept 11th attacks. I keep trying to remember where I was when I found out....I think I was upstairs at our house. It was around 10am when I got up and I don't remember if someone called or if I just randomly turned on the television. What I do remember is not really understanding what was happening. The reporters were looking out their windows in New York, and then the guy at the desk looked upset and announced that a second plane had hit the towers. They were cutting to different reporters, and cameras from all over...it was so confusing. Someone finally said that this was clearly a planned attack. They mentioned a plane hitting the Pentagon and that they were evacuating the White House. That's when it started to seem really scarry. I wasn't thinking about terrorism, or more possible attacks. My mind was playing one image over and over again... those people on the plane, so scared and the image of them looking into the building and seeing people running and knowing that they were about to crash into that building. I saw mothers holding screaming children, and young kids that were flying alone with noone to hold onto in those last few minutes. My heart felt so heavy, and I just starred at the television. Just a few minutes after I had turned on the television, the first tower started to fall. We were watching it all through the repoters perspectives. They were just gasping and starring at the screens. The cameras showed it all....and I couldn't take my eyes off of it. It was like a really awful movie effect. My eyes welled up with tears and I just sat there....watching.
During the weeks that followed, we all wanted to help. I remember watching New Yorkers step up in such a huge way. They were a family... a family that had been wounded and had now banded together even tighter than before. Our entire country came together and held vigils, donated blood, sent money, food, and rescuers of all kind. I was never so proud to be a part of this community called America. I can only imagine what it must have been like for those inside New York... to be able to help and to offer comfort in the whatever way they could. So many sad stories came in the weeks that followed that day. For me, some of the hardest ones were of the families carrying the missing persons flyers. Children looking for their parents, and wives holding pictures of their husbands. It was so sad. I also remember the video footage that played on repeated loops all day. It was too much....to see those people jumping out of windows, to hear the 911 calls and goodbye messages to families. I couldn't sleep...everytime I closed my eyes I saw those people on the plane again. Somehow my mind connected that because one of the planes had been headed to California, at least some of those families were headed to Disney Land. That's the visual my mind latched onto. A family with little kids who had waited all year for this trip. Maybe it was their first plane ride, and then these people come into the isles...these scarry men with knives and everyone starts screaming. The kids cry, and the parents try to calm them but are terrified. Then, they see the towers....they get closer, and everyone on the plane begins to panic....the parents begin to cry, and hold on tight to their kids as they get clsoer and closer to the buildings. That's what I saw each time I closed my eyes. It's like your mind can only take so much and then it has to stop. There were so many agonizing deaths.... on the planes, in the towers, at the pentagon, in the field, and throughout the streets of New York. Every day more stories were told, and every ngiht, my mind went right back to this image. It was so overwhelming.
That was nine years ago. Each year I try to take a few minutes right around 9am to just go back to those images. I think it is important that I not forget, because families throughout New York will spend this day thinking about someone they lost. I also try to balance those images by thinking about the outpouring of love we saw in the weeks that followed. I remember firefighters from around this country dropping everything and heading down to ground zero. I remember entire broadway casts and celebrities of all kinds standing in the soup line handing out coffee and snacks to rescue workers. I remember citizens around this country applauding when fire trucks and police cars rolled by. It was a time of brotherhood and sisterhood.... of letting go of all that seperates us and understanding that we all needed a collective hug. They were wonderful images and I will never forget those either.
I imagine that today will be much like all of my other days... go to work, watch TV, and go to sleep. Sounds boring I know, but today I am very aware how blessed I am to be here and to be safe. So many others would give anything to have a day like that, with a loved one that boarded a plane and never came home. My prayer is this... that I never forget the lives that were lost that day, or the beautiful way we took care of each other in the days that followed.
During the weeks that followed, we all wanted to help. I remember watching New Yorkers step up in such a huge way. They were a family... a family that had been wounded and had now banded together even tighter than before. Our entire country came together and held vigils, donated blood, sent money, food, and rescuers of all kind. I was never so proud to be a part of this community called America. I can only imagine what it must have been like for those inside New York... to be able to help and to offer comfort in the whatever way they could. So many sad stories came in the weeks that followed that day. For me, some of the hardest ones were of the families carrying the missing persons flyers. Children looking for their parents, and wives holding pictures of their husbands. It was so sad. I also remember the video footage that played on repeated loops all day. It was too much....to see those people jumping out of windows, to hear the 911 calls and goodbye messages to families. I couldn't sleep...everytime I closed my eyes I saw those people on the plane again. Somehow my mind connected that because one of the planes had been headed to California, at least some of those families were headed to Disney Land. That's the visual my mind latched onto. A family with little kids who had waited all year for this trip. Maybe it was their first plane ride, and then these people come into the isles...these scarry men with knives and everyone starts screaming. The kids cry, and the parents try to calm them but are terrified. Then, they see the towers....they get closer, and everyone on the plane begins to panic....the parents begin to cry, and hold on tight to their kids as they get clsoer and closer to the buildings. That's what I saw each time I closed my eyes. It's like your mind can only take so much and then it has to stop. There were so many agonizing deaths.... on the planes, in the towers, at the pentagon, in the field, and throughout the streets of New York. Every day more stories were told, and every ngiht, my mind went right back to this image. It was so overwhelming.
That was nine years ago. Each year I try to take a few minutes right around 9am to just go back to those images. I think it is important that I not forget, because families throughout New York will spend this day thinking about someone they lost. I also try to balance those images by thinking about the outpouring of love we saw in the weeks that followed. I remember firefighters from around this country dropping everything and heading down to ground zero. I remember entire broadway casts and celebrities of all kinds standing in the soup line handing out coffee and snacks to rescue workers. I remember citizens around this country applauding when fire trucks and police cars rolled by. It was a time of brotherhood and sisterhood.... of letting go of all that seperates us and understanding that we all needed a collective hug. They were wonderful images and I will never forget those either.
I imagine that today will be much like all of my other days... go to work, watch TV, and go to sleep. Sounds boring I know, but today I am very aware how blessed I am to be here and to be safe. So many others would give anything to have a day like that, with a loved one that boarded a plane and never came home. My prayer is this... that I never forget the lives that were lost that day, or the beautiful way we took care of each other in the days that followed.
Sad Days
Today has been a very sad day. From the moment I woke up, something felt off. I tried to push past it and started cleaning the kid's closests, and trying to get things organized because my mom is coming home soon and our living space has to be redefined. It was good to have a project...a set task to accomplish, but as soon as I finished, my eyes got all teary. It wasn't anything specific, just a kind of sadness that lingers sometimes. This time though, it got bigger, and all I wanted in the world was to run to the movies. That's what I do when things get too big. The thing is, I had no money so that wasn't reallly an option. Instead, I called my mom. I knew I shouldn't have, but I did it anyways. I wasn't planning on telling her I was having an off day, I just wanted to talk a little and connect. Instead, hearing her voice instantly made my eyes water and I could feel the emotion getting bigger. She could sense it too, and that made me feel guilty. So, we talked a little, and then I got off the phone and onto the computer. I listened to Reflection, the Mulan song, and that just about sent me over the edge.....tears.
Sometimes I have these kind of days. They always get better. It's hard for me because I feel these two incredibly huge pulls. I want to be here with my mom, and all these people I love so much. I really do want that. The thing is, I also really want that, "jump off the cliff" adventure. My body craves it. It's easy to say that if I am not happy here than I should go do the other thing. In reality, it isn't that simple. I am happy here, there is just this pull nagging away at me. And if I were to go on one of those adventures, I would be happy there too, but that nagging sadness would follow for fear that I am missing moments at home.
I think all people go through this. Usually, it is a different dynamic ( maybe being home with kids vs working, or being single again vs working at repairing a marriage ) but I think the experience is basically the same.... wanting to live two lives at the same time. You can't do that. If I have to choose, then I choose to be here.....it's what I want most. Still, these days are hard, and I am glad they seem to pass with a good nights rest!
Sometimes I have these kind of days. They always get better. It's hard for me because I feel these two incredibly huge pulls. I want to be here with my mom, and all these people I love so much. I really do want that. The thing is, I also really want that, "jump off the cliff" adventure. My body craves it. It's easy to say that if I am not happy here than I should go do the other thing. In reality, it isn't that simple. I am happy here, there is just this pull nagging away at me. And if I were to go on one of those adventures, I would be happy there too, but that nagging sadness would follow for fear that I am missing moments at home.
I think all people go through this. Usually, it is a different dynamic ( maybe being home with kids vs working, or being single again vs working at repairing a marriage ) but I think the experience is basically the same.... wanting to live two lives at the same time. You can't do that. If I have to choose, then I choose to be here.....it's what I want most. Still, these days are hard, and I am glad they seem to pass with a good nights rest!
September 09, 2010
Falling In Love
Falling in love is a concept that is the most basic and complex thing I have ever encountered. For me, the notion of really "falling" in love, you know.... that head over heals, fireworks in the sky, can't sleep, talking about the person nonstop, and losing all perspective on anything else.... that kinda falling in love, I always believed it existed only in those cheesy movies my aunts are so obsessed with. We all grew up with them, and everyone was looking for that person that made the whole world disappear. Not me, I wasn't buying it. If you had asked me at any point through my teen years all the way until about five years ago, I would have argued, with all confidence, that relationships were about one person missing something from their own life and trying to find it in another person. For most, especially young people, it was about wanting security and a place that they belong...someone to hold onto when things went wrong. I did believe that real love existed and that people sometimes found "that person" they wanted to share life with and made that forever kind of love...but to me, that kind of relationship wasn't about fireworks and butterflies, but started as a common interest and grew from friendship into love. The magic, it was simply a Hollywood concept. I felt I was ahead of the game, knowing this, and even though I did crave the contact.... the drama was never worth it and the thought of losing myself was my biggest fear. I was okay in my world, and settled at the thought of it just being me.
Then, it happened to me. What's funny is that I had no idea it was happening. We were friends, both of us in a new city, doing great work, and wanting to make a difference. I am always happiest when I am out away from everything I know, working hard, exhausted, and never really knowing what's next. To have someone else in that same place in their own life, it was just great. I had a friend. Pretty soon we weren't just working together, but going to street fairs, and wandering around downtown. I felt something changing, but to me, that was just part of the magic of having a "best friend". I remember that time period now and it always makes me laugh because we were both looking for reasons to hang out together, flirting nonstop, without even knowing it. I actually remember the exact moment I realized what was happening. We had been playing around downtown and ended up at this really popular fountain right as the sun was going down. There were lots of people....families taking pictures, and kids climbing on the rocks with their glow in the dark toys. Mostly though, there were couples holding hands and walking around the fountain. I remember saying, "this would be a perfect place to take a date" and we both laughed....still not thinking of us in that way. Then, out of nowhere, fireworks started, like on cue! We both smiled, and right there....I knew. Nothing was said, but I knew.
It would actually be a month or so later before we actually put a name to it, but once I knew, I fell hard! Every cheesy emotion I mentioned above, I became that girl. I was so happy. That period between realizing I had found someone I liked that much, and actually beginning to date...it was such a great emotional rollercoaster. I flirted so much, and rearranged everything to coincidentally be in the same place. I layed awake, unable to stop smiling.....I was a chiche, and I loved it. It's funny because, as my theory went, once the initial excitment dwindled, things should have lost their magic. We had flirted for over a month, and when we actually had the courage to begin dating, things got even better. I felt like I was actually living inside the movie! We were taking long walks, going to big city street fairs, and had almost nightly fireworks over the city. Even without believing it existed, I got that fairytale first love experience, complete with all the movie magic you could have imagined.
Now this particular story didn't end with a wedding, a house, and two kids... but it is a wonderful story all the same. I fell in love, and I will never again doubt how amazing that experience can be. It is true that many of my fears came true as well... when you are that happy, it is easy to lose yourself, which I did, but that is just a lesson learned. It has taken me quite awhile to really appreciate the entire process, but I believe in my heart that falling in love is something that every person should experience. I am so happy that I did!
Then, it happened to me. What's funny is that I had no idea it was happening. We were friends, both of us in a new city, doing great work, and wanting to make a difference. I am always happiest when I am out away from everything I know, working hard, exhausted, and never really knowing what's next. To have someone else in that same place in their own life, it was just great. I had a friend. Pretty soon we weren't just working together, but going to street fairs, and wandering around downtown. I felt something changing, but to me, that was just part of the magic of having a "best friend". I remember that time period now and it always makes me laugh because we were both looking for reasons to hang out together, flirting nonstop, without even knowing it. I actually remember the exact moment I realized what was happening. We had been playing around downtown and ended up at this really popular fountain right as the sun was going down. There were lots of people....families taking pictures, and kids climbing on the rocks with their glow in the dark toys. Mostly though, there were couples holding hands and walking around the fountain. I remember saying, "this would be a perfect place to take a date" and we both laughed....still not thinking of us in that way. Then, out of nowhere, fireworks started, like on cue! We both smiled, and right there....I knew. Nothing was said, but I knew.
It would actually be a month or so later before we actually put a name to it, but once I knew, I fell hard! Every cheesy emotion I mentioned above, I became that girl. I was so happy. That period between realizing I had found someone I liked that much, and actually beginning to date...it was such a great emotional rollercoaster. I flirted so much, and rearranged everything to coincidentally be in the same place. I layed awake, unable to stop smiling.....I was a chiche, and I loved it. It's funny because, as my theory went, once the initial excitment dwindled, things should have lost their magic. We had flirted for over a month, and when we actually had the courage to begin dating, things got even better. I felt like I was actually living inside the movie! We were taking long walks, going to big city street fairs, and had almost nightly fireworks over the city. Even without believing it existed, I got that fairytale first love experience, complete with all the movie magic you could have imagined.
Now this particular story didn't end with a wedding, a house, and two kids... but it is a wonderful story all the same. I fell in love, and I will never again doubt how amazing that experience can be. It is true that many of my fears came true as well... when you are that happy, it is easy to lose yourself, which I did, but that is just a lesson learned. It has taken me quite awhile to really appreciate the entire process, but I believe in my heart that falling in love is something that every person should experience. I am so happy that I did!
September 08, 2010
My Wish
There is this new song that I just love by Heather Headley called, "I Wish". It's about wanting to give someone you love everything you can and protect them from all of the hard stuff. It's about understanding that people have to go through the hard times, the obstacles...because that's how you learn to overcome and grow as a person.
There are so many wonderful lines... "I wish you rainy days so you can know the beauty of a clear blue sky" "I wish you just enough Hellos, to get you through Goodbyes" "I hope you always see the forest through the trees" "This is your life, this is your story and when all is said and done, I hope you live with no regrets"
I listen to this song everytime I log onto Facebook because it istantly pulls things back into perspective for me. I understand that I can't protect these kids that I worry so much about. Life can be so hard, but when you pull yourself through that, and make it to the other side...you get stronger and you are more prepared for whatever else life brings your way. I am grateful for my storms that made me so strong. I am also so grateful to have a mom that was such a strong anchor during all of those times. Even in the hardest of my teenage years, when my mom ahd no idea how to help me through the things I was going through....I always knew I could go to her and she would hug me and listen....or just change the subject and help me aviod....whatever I needed, that's what she gave me. I realize that you can't give kids everything, and you can't stop life from happening to them. Each of us have to live our own life, and learn by doing, by failing, by getting knocked down, and by getting back up again. They are important lessons that cannot be skipped if we are to become strong adults. All we can do is hug on our kids, love them, and give them as much support as we can, so that when the tide gets too high, or they lose their path......we can hold on just long enough that they can catch their breath and find their way again.
I would be miserable as a parent. I can say these things, but my heart is not made to sit back and watch people that I love hurting and not step in to help. I have an overdeveloped superhero complex, and I struggle so much with staying back and letting things unfold in their own way and their own time. I am so grateful to have had a mom who held on tight, but never held me back. I cannot imagine what that must have cost her....the tears, the worry, .....she is so much stronger than I could ever be.
There are so many wonderful lines... "I wish you rainy days so you can know the beauty of a clear blue sky" "I wish you just enough Hellos, to get you through Goodbyes" "I hope you always see the forest through the trees" "This is your life, this is your story and when all is said and done, I hope you live with no regrets"
I listen to this song everytime I log onto Facebook because it istantly pulls things back into perspective for me. I understand that I can't protect these kids that I worry so much about. Life can be so hard, but when you pull yourself through that, and make it to the other side...you get stronger and you are more prepared for whatever else life brings your way. I am grateful for my storms that made me so strong. I am also so grateful to have a mom that was such a strong anchor during all of those times. Even in the hardest of my teenage years, when my mom ahd no idea how to help me through the things I was going through....I always knew I could go to her and she would hug me and listen....or just change the subject and help me aviod....whatever I needed, that's what she gave me. I realize that you can't give kids everything, and you can't stop life from happening to them. Each of us have to live our own life, and learn by doing, by failing, by getting knocked down, and by getting back up again. They are important lessons that cannot be skipped if we are to become strong adults. All we can do is hug on our kids, love them, and give them as much support as we can, so that when the tide gets too high, or they lose their path......we can hold on just long enough that they can catch their breath and find their way again.
I would be miserable as a parent. I can say these things, but my heart is not made to sit back and watch people that I love hurting and not step in to help. I have an overdeveloped superhero complex, and I struggle so much with staying back and letting things unfold in their own way and their own time. I am so grateful to have had a mom who held on tight, but never held me back. I cannot imagine what that must have cost her....the tears, the worry, .....she is so much stronger than I could ever be.
August 22, 2010
Starting A Blog
My first post!
Today I decided to start a blog. As best I can tell, blogging is like online journaling, and that sounds like something I would like to try. So, welcome... to my incredibly chaotic mind. Where should I even begin? Ya know, I really have no idea what I am doing, and keep thinking I should surf around a bit and look at some blogs to see what you are suppose to write. I have decided not to do that just yet though, cause I like the idea of just writing.... whatever I am thinking about and feeling, with no expectations of who might read it. So, that's what I shall do for now.
Day 1: This last week I read a story about a young girl around my age that was killed in Afghanistan. She had been there for the last 6 years doing mission work and helping with basic medical care for women and children. This story has really stuck with me. The woman was killed in an ambush, and that alone holds with it plenty of room for sadness. To me though, I do not see a sad story. It lit a spark inside me. This woman, only 33 years old.....she really LIVED. She did that amazing work, changed lives, and found adventure! I mean, can you imagine preparing to go to Afghanistan in 2004... the conversations about life and death you have with your family, the internal peace you would have to make knowing that you are stepping off a cliff, and having faith that you will find your wings. That is huge...and an amazing way to live. Then I think about all the preperation, the excitement and the shear fear that had to be pulsing through her as she spent those last few weeks at home getting ready. The plane ride where she met others stepping off their own cliff, and the instant common ground of "American"....all other titles disappear. I think about those first few weeks and all the learning, which to me sounds so exciting. She learned the language, and immersed herself into the Afghan life. She played with the homeless children, and comforted the frightened mothers. In this new world, she became a hero everyday. She came home one time that first year...and I can only imagine the stories, and the pride she must have had for her work. I think about what that next plane ride back must have been like, without the fear, but rejuvenated and eager to get back to work. This young girl was there for six years...by choice...to do work that she believed was important. To me, the story isn't the tragic way her life ended, but the amazing way it was lived. Her story has sparked a fire inside of me again. I want to be that girl who steps off the cliff, and prays for wings.
Today I decided to start a blog. As best I can tell, blogging is like online journaling, and that sounds like something I would like to try. So, welcome... to my incredibly chaotic mind. Where should I even begin? Ya know, I really have no idea what I am doing, and keep thinking I should surf around a bit and look at some blogs to see what you are suppose to write. I have decided not to do that just yet though, cause I like the idea of just writing.... whatever I am thinking about and feeling, with no expectations of who might read it. So, that's what I shall do for now.
Day 1: This last week I read a story about a young girl around my age that was killed in Afghanistan. She had been there for the last 6 years doing mission work and helping with basic medical care for women and children. This story has really stuck with me. The woman was killed in an ambush, and that alone holds with it plenty of room for sadness. To me though, I do not see a sad story. It lit a spark inside me. This woman, only 33 years old.....she really LIVED. She did that amazing work, changed lives, and found adventure! I mean, can you imagine preparing to go to Afghanistan in 2004... the conversations about life and death you have with your family, the internal peace you would have to make knowing that you are stepping off a cliff, and having faith that you will find your wings. That is huge...and an amazing way to live. Then I think about all the preperation, the excitement and the shear fear that had to be pulsing through her as she spent those last few weeks at home getting ready. The plane ride where she met others stepping off their own cliff, and the instant common ground of "American"....all other titles disappear. I think about those first few weeks and all the learning, which to me sounds so exciting. She learned the language, and immersed herself into the Afghan life. She played with the homeless children, and comforted the frightened mothers. In this new world, she became a hero everyday. She came home one time that first year...and I can only imagine the stories, and the pride she must have had for her work. I think about what that next plane ride back must have been like, without the fear, but rejuvenated and eager to get back to work. This young girl was there for six years...by choice...to do work that she believed was important. To me, the story isn't the tragic way her life ended, but the amazing way it was lived. Her story has sparked a fire inside of me again. I want to be that girl who steps off the cliff, and prays for wings.
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