You know, I am not comfortable with fighting. Most people who know me think that I am, that I crave it even, but I really don't. I like to debate, to challenge ideas and be pushed out of my comfort zone, that I love. When it crosses that line though, my body gets tense and I anticipate every bad thing that can happen next, and I have to find a way to end it fast. That is what people tend to see, me jumping into a tense situation and going for the kill. It escalates the situation instantly, but no matter who they were mad at before I entered the conversation, all the anger swings right at me.
I have spent a lot of time in therapy and on my own trying to understand why I do this. Here's what I've come up with... I hate being vulnerable. Not knowing what comes next and who might get hurt, that is unbearable for me. I see an argument involving someone I care about across the room, and my body instantly tunes in. I can feel the tension in the room, and see the concern on all the faces. Then, I see the person shrink from being yelled at, and I can feel the heat rush to my face. I step in, always loud and strong and way more than what may be needed, and it always brings the same result. Attention is pulled off the original target and onto me. The whole room blames me now because I am being so loud and so mean and now everyone has a common person to blame. I pull it all in, explode one way or another, and then leave.
That was my pattern. It worked for me, and though it never helped solve the initial argument, it gave everyone a chance to take a break and be ready when the arguement came back around. You see, it sounds like I am making myself out to be some kind of nobel hero, but in truth.... I am very aware that my behavior rarely helped fix anything. What it did do though, was make people leary of attacking the people I care about when they were anywhere near me.... which provided a kind of safe zone for awhile. I am not sorry for that. But still, it had a huge price... for mom, for the family in general, and for all those kids who never really learned how to deal with people who were being unfair to them. I could only be there part of the time and they needed to learn how to handle these situations on their own. So, for that, I should have done better.
As for me, it was survival. We have a great family, but when you are a kid with as much passion as I had, it was really hard to grow up with so many dynamics and personalities. Some people coddled and listened to your ideas. Others, they liked to see a little girl get all upset and scream or cry. It was entertainment to them. For me, it was what led to me building so many walls that it was almost impossible for me to let anyone in. I was on guard, always. Even now, I am guarded when in a big group of my family. I love these people, and even the ones I am not fond of... they are connected to the ones I am. And because it is not as easy as just deciding not to jump into arguements (once learned, routines are hard to break) I have to be very careful where I allow myself to be always factoring who might be at a particular event. That is sad, because we really do have quite an amazing family with some of the most giving and loving people I have ever met. But when you care about people and are invested in having a relationship with them, then they have the power to hurt you.
It is a little easier these days because all the kids are grown up. It is a lot easier to allow adults to handle a disagreement than to stand by while one of the kids are being trapped. They are capaple now of deciding how they want to handle situations. I am trying so hard to shift my focus and just work on making sure my mom and all aunts are happy. I don't want to cause friction, and I certainly don't want to cause mom any more drama.... she's had enough. But still, I am who I am. When faced with a situation where I feel someone is being attacked unfairly and is not able to defend themselves..... I cannot help it. Nor am I sure I want to. What I do wish, is that I was better at trying to mend the divide instead of just choosing a side to be on. Often, that leaves me very far away from people I care about.
