September 11th

     Today is the ninth anniversary of the Sept 11th attacks.  I keep trying to remember where I was when I found out....I think I was upstairs at our house.  It was around 10am when I got up and I don't remember if someone called or if I just randomly turned on the television.  What I do remember is not really understanding what was happening.  The reporters were looking out their windows in New York, and then the guy at the desk looked upset and announced that a second plane had hit the towers.  They were cutting to different reporters, and cameras from all over...it was so confusing.  Someone finally said that this was clearly a planned attack.  They mentioned a plane hitting the Pentagon and that they were evacuating the White House.  That's when it started to seem really scarry.  I wasn't thinking about terrorism, or more possible attacks.  My mind was playing one image over and over again... those people on the plane, so scared and the image of them looking into the building and seeing people running and knowing that they were about to crash into that building.  I saw mothers holding screaming children, and young kids that were flying alone with noone to hold onto in those last few minutes.  My heart felt so heavy, and I just starred at the television.  Just a few minutes after I had turned on the television, the first tower started to fall.  We were watching it all through the repoters perspectives.  They were just gasping and starring at the screens.  The cameras showed it all....and I couldn't take my eyes off of it.  It was like a really awful movie effect.  My eyes welled up with tears and I just sat there....watching.
     During the weeks that followed, we all wanted to help.  I remember watching New Yorkers step up in such a huge way.  They were a family... a family that had been wounded and had now banded together even tighter than before.  Our entire country came together and held vigils, donated blood, sent money, food, and rescuers of all kind.  I was never so proud to be a part of this community called America.  I can only imagine what it must have been like for those inside New York... to be able to help and to offer comfort in the whatever way they could.  So many sad stories came in the weeks that followed that day.  For me, some of the hardest ones were of the families carrying the missing persons flyers.  Children looking for their parents, and wives holding pictures of their husbands.  It was so sad.  I also remember the video footage that played on repeated loops all day.  It was too much....to see those people jumping out of windows, to hear the 911 calls and goodbye messages to families.  I couldn't sleep...everytime I closed my eyes I saw those people on the plane again.  Somehow my mind connected that because one of the planes had been headed to California, at least some of those families were headed to Disney Land.  That's the visual my mind latched onto.  A family with little kids who had waited all year for this trip.  Maybe it was their first plane ride, and then these people come into the isles...these scarry men with knives and everyone starts screaming.  The kids cry, and the parents try to calm them but are terrified.  Then, they see the towers....they get closer, and everyone on the plane begins to panic....the parents begin to cry, and hold on tight to their kids as they get clsoer and closer to the buildings.  That's what I saw each time I closed my eyes.  It's like your mind can only take so much and then it has to stop.  There were so many agonizing deaths.... on the planes, in the towers, at the pentagon, in the field, and throughout the streets of New York.  Every day more stories were told, and every ngiht, my mind went right back to this image.  It was so overwhelming.
    That was nine years ago.  Each year I try to take a few minutes right around 9am to just go back to those images.  I think it is important that I not forget, because families throughout New York will spend this day thinking about someone they lost.  I also try to balance those images by thinking about the outpouring of love we saw in the weeks that followed.  I remember firefighters from around this country dropping everything and heading down to ground zero.  I remember entire broadway casts and celebrities of all kinds standing in the soup line handing out coffee and snacks to rescue workers.  I remember citizens around this country applauding when fire trucks and police cars rolled by.  It was a time of brotherhood and sisterhood.... of letting go of all that seperates us and understanding that we all needed a collective hug.  They were wonderful images and I will never forget those either.
      I imagine that today will be much like all of my other days... go to work, watch TV, and go to sleep.  Sounds boring I know, but today I am very aware how blessed I am to be here and to be safe.  So many others would give anything to have a day like that, with a loved one that boarded a plane and never came home.  My prayer is this... that I never forget the lives that were lost that day, or the beautiful way we took care of each other in the days that followed.

Sad Days

     Today has been a very sad day.  From the moment I woke up, something felt off.  I tried to push past it and started cleaning the kid's closests, and trying to get things organized because my mom is coming home soon and our living space has to be redefined.  It was good to have a project...a set task to accomplish, but as soon as I finished, my eyes got all teary.  It wasn't anything specific, just a kind of sadness that lingers sometimes.  This time though, it got bigger, and all I wanted in the world was to run to the movies.  That's what I do when things get too big.  The thing is, I had no money so that wasn't reallly an option.  Instead, I called my mom.  I knew I shouldn't have, but I did it anyways.  I wasn't planning on telling her I was having an off day, I just wanted to talk a little and connect.  Instead, hearing her voice instantly made my eyes water and I could feel the emotion getting bigger.  She could sense it too, and that made me feel guilty.  So, we talked a little, and then I got off the phone and onto the computer.  I listened to Reflection, the Mulan song, and that just about sent me over the edge.....tears.
     Sometimes I have these kind of days.  They always get better.  It's hard for me because I feel these two incredibly huge pulls.  I want to be here with my mom, and all these people I love so much.  I really do want that.  The thing is, I also really want that, "jump off the cliff" adventure.  My body craves it.  It's easy to say that if I am not happy here than I should go do the other thing.  In reality, it isn't that simple.  I am happy here, there is just this pull nagging away at me.  And if I were to go on one of those adventures, I would be happy there too, but that nagging sadness would follow for fear that I am missing moments at home. 
    I think all people go through this.  Usually, it is a different dynamic ( maybe being home with kids vs working, or being single again vs working at repairing a marriage ) but I think the experience is basically the same.... wanting to live two lives at the same time.  You can't do that.  If I have to choose, then I choose to be here.....it's what I want most.  Still, these days are hard, and I am glad they seem to pass with a good nights rest!