Sad Days

     Today has been a very sad day.  From the moment I woke up, something felt off.  I tried to push past it and started cleaning the kid's closests, and trying to get things organized because my mom is coming home soon and our living space has to be redefined.  It was good to have a project...a set task to accomplish, but as soon as I finished, my eyes got all teary.  It wasn't anything specific, just a kind of sadness that lingers sometimes.  This time though, it got bigger, and all I wanted in the world was to run to the movies.  That's what I do when things get too big.  The thing is, I had no money so that wasn't reallly an option.  Instead, I called my mom.  I knew I shouldn't have, but I did it anyways.  I wasn't planning on telling her I was having an off day, I just wanted to talk a little and connect.  Instead, hearing her voice instantly made my eyes water and I could feel the emotion getting bigger.  She could sense it too, and that made me feel guilty.  So, we talked a little, and then I got off the phone and onto the computer.  I listened to Reflection, the Mulan song, and that just about sent me over the edge.....tears.
     Sometimes I have these kind of days.  They always get better.  It's hard for me because I feel these two incredibly huge pulls.  I want to be here with my mom, and all these people I love so much.  I really do want that.  The thing is, I also really want that, "jump off the cliff" adventure.  My body craves it.  It's easy to say that if I am not happy here than I should go do the other thing.  In reality, it isn't that simple.  I am happy here, there is just this pull nagging away at me.  And if I were to go on one of those adventures, I would be happy there too, but that nagging sadness would follow for fear that I am missing moments at home. 
    I think all people go through this.  Usually, it is a different dynamic ( maybe being home with kids vs working, or being single again vs working at repairing a marriage ) but I think the experience is basically the same.... wanting to live two lives at the same time.  You can't do that.  If I have to choose, then I choose to be here.....it's what I want most.  Still, these days are hard, and I am glad they seem to pass with a good nights rest!