Stuck in the Hammock

    There is a quote that goes like this, " Your Past Should Be A Springboard,Not A Hammock ".   I take from that the idea that you should not sit around reliving your past adventures or your past failures, but learn the lesson, be grateful, and always be moving forward.  It's a good quote.
    I am stuck in the hammock.  I am not caught up in the guilt, but rather in the indulgence of all the fun adventures I have had.  I have amazing stories and memories.....  I mean, I have pictures all over my walls of me with the Make A Wish kids at Disney, catching a prarie on fire in LaFox, hugging on my ESL kids in Denver, our tent colony where we lived on Padre Island, with all the kids from Camp Sunnyside, and all my little girls that became like family from the Goodwill Shelter.   I mean, any one of these pictures brings "that feeling" back to me.  The feeling where I KNOW I did a good thing for someone, where I made a difference.  The thing is, I am just reliving that experience, and not creating more.  I know I could do more.  I know that.  I want to, but I just don't do it.  There are reasons, but all the reasons in the world, all the justifications..... It's not helping.
    I have reached that point in my life where I am just waiting.  I am not unhappy, but I am not fullfilled.   My mind is completely settled on the path that I chose, but my heart just won't stop longing for that other piece.  This whole internal battlefield has lost it's excitement, and now, it  just makes me feel tired.  I have been in this place before, sitting at the edge of the many roads stretched out before me... and I have yet again just sat down.  I'm not lost or unhappy.... not depressed or overwhelmed.  I am just..... here.  Waiting.  I am not sure what I will do next.  That has a lot of variables.   What I do know is this,  being here with my mom and making as many amazing memories as I can, that is my priority for now.
     You see, I have the best mom in the world.  She has always encouraged me to be exactly who I am and has been there every single time that I have needed her.  She is strong, she is loyal, and she loves with her whole heart.  She forgives, and accepts people as they are.  I think she is amazing and I admire her for all the beautiful things she has brought to this world.  She's not just my mom.  She's a fiercely loyal sister who is proud of her family and would do anything to make her brothers and sisters smile.  She is an aunt to a whole cast of teens and adults who know they can count on her, and who think she is the funniest aunt they have.  She is a Grandma to three wonderful kids who are so lucky to get that same unconditional love and support that she gives to me and Denny.  She is a daughter who misses her mom every day, and who is trying to be there for all the other women in her life that are going through that same sadness.  My mom is a hero.  Not many people understand just how amazing my mom has been to so many families who are in the process of losing a parent.  For years, my mom has shown up at the darkest days of a familes life.... when they were watching their mom or dad fade away.  My mom would step in, and be that link that helped both the parent and the child.  I have seen them hug her and break into tears.  I have watched sons smile at my mom through teary eyes as she calms their mom in a way that they cannot.  I've seen daughters clinging to my mom beside hospital beds as they try to understand why it is all happening.  I have seen these little old people who couldn't even recall their own kids names, but they would call out for my mom and cry until she got there. Her face was the one they remembered now, and familes were so grateful that my mom was there to comfort their loved one when they couldn't. Even when all she could offer them was a hug, it meant the world to them.  I remember one time my mom decided to miss her own family reunion, so she could take an older lady who had  come to depend on her for everything on a trip across the county for one last visit with the people she loved.  My mom wanted so much to come spend the day with her own family, but she understood how much this woman had come to depend on her, and how little time she had left.  She had an opportunity to give this woman one more happy day, and I really am so proud of my mom for doing that.
     That's who my mom is.  Few people have gotten to see that side of my mom.  I have, and I am so grateful for that.  So you see, that's who Debbie Kensell is.  I will always brag about her as the best mom I could have ever asked for, and the kind of mom that I wish every kid out there could have.  But she is so much more than that.  There is noone like her, and I love her more than she will ever know.