There is a song that goes like this, "Once I'm with the wizard my whole life will change, cause once your with the wizard no one thinks your strange.... and this gift or this curse that I have inside maybe at last I'll know why, when we are hand in hand, the wizard and I."
You see, that makes sense to me... a girl who doesn't fit in, who feels so special and important inside, but in this world she has been stuck in, it comes off as just really different. It's not a good thing here and she hopes that one day someone is going to come along and reveal her destiny and take her away to a place where she fits in and all that passion inside will be appreciated and applauded. She craves it so much and hasn't given up hope that this "Wizard" will come.
No matter how confident a person you are... and my self esteem is pretty well in tact... everyone wants to know that they are important and that they have a purpose...a destiny to fulfill. Ever since I was little I felt so much bigger than I ever was. I was strong willed and confident, and I had so much passion about so many things. If a commercial for Feed the Children would come on, that would be all I could think about for days. I'd sit in class and feel so trapped, knowing that there was real things to be done out there. I was so incredibly ready to get to work, and being trapped in those schools was very hard for me. I wrote to the Peace Corps and St Jude Hospital when I was thirteen. I begged them to let me come help. I wanted that so much. Instead, I got very sweet letters saying that they appreciated my passion, and that they looked forward to having me join their team when I turned eighteen. I think they even sent me stickers. It was very sad for me. To have all that passion and not have an outlet... that is a very destructive thing.
When I was in Chicago I saw this school that is amazing. It's social service charter school for kids. Kids from kindergarden all the way up spend 2 hours everyday doing projects with nursing homes, cleaning parks, volunteering at non profits, and so many other amazing projects. In addition, these kids are required to complete a large number of Service Learning hours to graduate.... even in kindergarden!!! I love it, and I am so happy they make these kind of schools. Imagine a fourth grader who recycles, volunteers at a nursing home, has worked in adaptive classrooms, helps serve lunch at a Children's HIV hospital, and is a pen pal with a kid his age in Kenya. I met that kid, and he was so funny and sweet and absolutely no different than the other 16 of his classmates. These are the kids that will change the world. They are surrounded from day one with people from all walks of life, and they are learning more than just math and reading...they are learning to make things better. I had no idea schools like these existed until I went to Chicago back in 2005. Since them, I've seen them all over. I am amazed, and believe that I would have excelled in schools like these.
I am I. We all arrive where we are for a reason... I really believe that. So, I am grateful for the path I took and wouldn;t change even the hard things, because the good and the bad almost always effect each other. Take away the bad, and that lesson goes away too. Some of my hardest transitions made me more open to take the next leap! I dreaded leaving Disney because I was so happy there. Without leaving Disney behind though, I would not have had my Americorps year. That was the best time of my life, and I spent every moment with my team. We had amazing adventures and I loved them all like family. That goodbye was the hardest of all, and I almost fell apart even at the thought of it. It was hard, but without that goodbye, I would not have had the next...very important... hello. Leaving Denver meant coming to Chicago and then Milwaukee.... which was the happiest time of my life.
I say all of that to say this... I wouldn't trade my past for anything, but I am still hoping that one day I will find a place where I fit in. I want to be around people with that same passion and who challenge and excite me. I thrive on competition and high expectations. I know there is a place out there that can give me all that I am looking for and that I can share my talents with. I may never find that place, but I will never stop craving it. So Wizard, wherever you are... come find me :)
September 20, 2010
September 18, 2010
Becoming the Target
You know, I am not comfortable with fighting. Most people who know me think that I am, that I crave it even, but I really don't. I like to debate, to challenge ideas and be pushed out of my comfort zone, that I love. When it crosses that line though, my body gets tense and I anticipate every bad thing that can happen next, and I have to find a way to end it fast. That is what people tend to see, me jumping into a tense situation and going for the kill. It escalates the situation instantly, but no matter who they were mad at before I entered the conversation, all the anger swings right at me.
I have spent a lot of time in therapy and on my own trying to understand why I do this. Here's what I've come up with... I hate being vulnerable. Not knowing what comes next and who might get hurt, that is unbearable for me. I see an argument involving someone I care about across the room, and my body instantly tunes in. I can feel the tension in the room, and see the concern on all the faces. Then, I see the person shrink from being yelled at, and I can feel the heat rush to my face. I step in, always loud and strong and way more than what may be needed, and it always brings the same result. Attention is pulled off the original target and onto me. The whole room blames me now because I am being so loud and so mean and now everyone has a common person to blame. I pull it all in, explode one way or another, and then leave.
That was my pattern. It worked for me, and though it never helped solve the initial argument, it gave everyone a chance to take a break and be ready when the arguement came back around. You see, it sounds like I am making myself out to be some kind of nobel hero, but in truth.... I am very aware that my behavior rarely helped fix anything. What it did do though, was make people leary of attacking the people I care about when they were anywhere near me.... which provided a kind of safe zone for awhile. I am not sorry for that. But still, it had a huge price... for mom, for the family in general, and for all those kids who never really learned how to deal with people who were being unfair to them. I could only be there part of the time and they needed to learn how to handle these situations on their own. So, for that, I should have done better.
As for me, it was survival. We have a great family, but when you are a kid with as much passion as I had, it was really hard to grow up with so many dynamics and personalities. Some people coddled and listened to your ideas. Others, they liked to see a little girl get all upset and scream or cry. It was entertainment to them. For me, it was what led to me building so many walls that it was almost impossible for me to let anyone in. I was on guard, always. Even now, I am guarded when in a big group of my family. I love these people, and even the ones I am not fond of... they are connected to the ones I am. And because it is not as easy as just deciding not to jump into arguements (once learned, routines are hard to break) I have to be very careful where I allow myself to be always factoring who might be at a particular event. That is sad, because we really do have quite an amazing family with some of the most giving and loving people I have ever met. But when you care about people and are invested in having a relationship with them, then they have the power to hurt you.
It is a little easier these days because all the kids are grown up. It is a lot easier to allow adults to handle a disagreement than to stand by while one of the kids are being trapped. They are capaple now of deciding how they want to handle situations. I am trying so hard to shift my focus and just work on making sure my mom and all aunts are happy. I don't want to cause friction, and I certainly don't want to cause mom any more drama.... she's had enough. But still, I am who I am. When faced with a situation where I feel someone is being attacked unfairly and is not able to defend themselves..... I cannot help it. Nor am I sure I want to. What I do wish, is that I was better at trying to mend the divide instead of just choosing a side to be on. Often, that leaves me very far away from people I care about.
I have spent a lot of time in therapy and on my own trying to understand why I do this. Here's what I've come up with... I hate being vulnerable. Not knowing what comes next and who might get hurt, that is unbearable for me. I see an argument involving someone I care about across the room, and my body instantly tunes in. I can feel the tension in the room, and see the concern on all the faces. Then, I see the person shrink from being yelled at, and I can feel the heat rush to my face. I step in, always loud and strong and way more than what may be needed, and it always brings the same result. Attention is pulled off the original target and onto me. The whole room blames me now because I am being so loud and so mean and now everyone has a common person to blame. I pull it all in, explode one way or another, and then leave.
That was my pattern. It worked for me, and though it never helped solve the initial argument, it gave everyone a chance to take a break and be ready when the arguement came back around. You see, it sounds like I am making myself out to be some kind of nobel hero, but in truth.... I am very aware that my behavior rarely helped fix anything. What it did do though, was make people leary of attacking the people I care about when they were anywhere near me.... which provided a kind of safe zone for awhile. I am not sorry for that. But still, it had a huge price... for mom, for the family in general, and for all those kids who never really learned how to deal with people who were being unfair to them. I could only be there part of the time and they needed to learn how to handle these situations on their own. So, for that, I should have done better.
As for me, it was survival. We have a great family, but when you are a kid with as much passion as I had, it was really hard to grow up with so many dynamics and personalities. Some people coddled and listened to your ideas. Others, they liked to see a little girl get all upset and scream or cry. It was entertainment to them. For me, it was what led to me building so many walls that it was almost impossible for me to let anyone in. I was on guard, always. Even now, I am guarded when in a big group of my family. I love these people, and even the ones I am not fond of... they are connected to the ones I am. And because it is not as easy as just deciding not to jump into arguements (once learned, routines are hard to break) I have to be very careful where I allow myself to be always factoring who might be at a particular event. That is sad, because we really do have quite an amazing family with some of the most giving and loving people I have ever met. But when you care about people and are invested in having a relationship with them, then they have the power to hurt you.
It is a little easier these days because all the kids are grown up. It is a lot easier to allow adults to handle a disagreement than to stand by while one of the kids are being trapped. They are capaple now of deciding how they want to handle situations. I am trying so hard to shift my focus and just work on making sure my mom and all aunts are happy. I don't want to cause friction, and I certainly don't want to cause mom any more drama.... she's had enough. But still, I am who I am. When faced with a situation where I feel someone is being attacked unfairly and is not able to defend themselves..... I cannot help it. Nor am I sure I want to. What I do wish, is that I was better at trying to mend the divide instead of just choosing a side to be on. Often, that leaves me very far away from people I care about.
September 16, 2010
Television Moments I Love
General Hospital
Sonny and Brenda
* When Sonny decides to leave Lilly and finds Brenda outside Kelley's in an alleyway. They finally kiss, and I remember just how excited I was!!! That is, until a few scenes later when Sonny watches his wife and kid blown to pieces because of his choice. Heartbreaking!
* When Brenda lays on the couch in her wedding dress, crying and remembering all the scenes from her and Sonny's time together. I hated Sonny for doing that to her.
* When Brenda wore the wire... so incredibly intense!
* When Jax takes Brenda to California to help her recover from her heartbreak with Sonny.
* When Lois and Ned double date with Brenda and Jax.... to make Sonny jealous :)
* When Jax tellls Sonny to stay away from Brenda and he comes back all cocky with, "well, if you can teach your girl to say that, maybe I will!" Yeah, I love Sonny!
* When Brenda tells Sonny goodbye and chooses Jax... they behave all grown up, no yelling or crying, and it just broke my heart!
* New Episode when Brenda tells Sonny to go back to his kids. When she got all teary and brought up how he left her at the alter, I could see how hurt she was. She yelled, "Did you ever think to ask me what I wanted Sonny? If you had asked me, I would have said I wanted you". Oh Brenda, you still make me cry!
The Rest of the Cast
* When Felicia realizes that Maxie will be getting BJ's heart!
* When Tony hold onto BJ and cries.... broke all of our hearts!
* When Robin was losing Stone and sat crying on the couch...and then...there was Anna!!!! I was so incredibly happy to see her mom show up just when she needed her most that I completely forgave the fact that Anna was, in fact, dead!
* When Lucy and one of the guys did "Anything You Can Do" at the Nurse's Ball...very fun! There was also a very funny scene invoving auctioning off her clothes!
* Almost any scene that had both Brenda and Lois in it.... I loved these girls together :)
West Wing
* The scene between CJ and Nancy just before she announces the Arms Deal to Kumar. CJ is livid and yells at Nancy, and then slowly breaks down. That was such a powerful scene, and made me love CJ!
* The scene where Josh sees a therapist...Stanley. Toward the end of this episode Stanley really begins to push Josh and I became a huge fan of the actor who plays Stanley.
* The one where Toby confronts the President about his abusive father. That was an amazing episode with a lot of power.
* Danny gives CJ the fish.... I mean come on, this guy is just adorable!
* When CJ finally kisses Danny and then gets all awkward :)
* When Simon and CJ walk home and they flirt and then get very uncomfortable!
* When Simon yells at CJ for leaving security, and then they finally kiss. So sweet, until one scene later Simon is killed..... so sad!
* The Josh and Donna scene where he is in a dark office searching for a file and they talk about how she came to work with him. Big flirting scene, and I loved it :)
* When Abbey, CJ, and Amy get drunk and CJ goes on a tangent about wanting a cat. Awesome!
* The first show when the President walks in quoting the commandments and then warns Josh, "Don't do it again!". It instantly set the father figure tone.
* The one were Ellie is brought into the Oval Office and she and her father face off.
* When CJ sits down with the mapmakers for equality people... cracks me up everytime!
* The one where Sam tells Mallory that he slept with a prostitute...not realizing that he is speaking to the daughter of his boss! Funny :)
Other Shows
* Who's The Boss: When Angela grounds Sam and she yells, "you aren't my mother". This was a really great episode.
* Roseanne: Darlene has to read an essay she wrote and it turns out to be about how she doesn't fit in.
* Cosby Show: When Theo does this long monologue about not being perfect and maybe they could just accept him the way he is. It is intense and you really are expecting an emotional moment between father and son. That's why it is so funny when Cliff gets really upset and goes off on Theo!
* Full House: The pilot episode where DJ moves to the basement and then talks about how much she misses her mom.... made me cry!
* SVU: The one where Elliot's wife goes into labor and Olivia drives her to the hospital. At the end of this one, Elliot pulls Olivia in for a hug, and it was so incredibly sweet!
* Big Bang: When Sheldon is in the ball pit and refuses to get out...Bazinga!!!
* LOST: The finale when Sawyer and Juliet remember....oh...makes me smile to even think of it!!! Also, when Kate helps deliver Aaron for the second time.
Sonny and Brenda
* When Sonny decides to leave Lilly and finds Brenda outside Kelley's in an alleyway. They finally kiss, and I remember just how excited I was!!! That is, until a few scenes later when Sonny watches his wife and kid blown to pieces because of his choice. Heartbreaking!
* When Brenda lays on the couch in her wedding dress, crying and remembering all the scenes from her and Sonny's time together. I hated Sonny for doing that to her.
* When Brenda wore the wire... so incredibly intense!
* When Jax takes Brenda to California to help her recover from her heartbreak with Sonny.
* When Lois and Ned double date with Brenda and Jax.... to make Sonny jealous :)
* When Jax tellls Sonny to stay away from Brenda and he comes back all cocky with, "well, if you can teach your girl to say that, maybe I will!" Yeah, I love Sonny!
* When Brenda tells Sonny goodbye and chooses Jax... they behave all grown up, no yelling or crying, and it just broke my heart!
* New Episode when Brenda tells Sonny to go back to his kids. When she got all teary and brought up how he left her at the alter, I could see how hurt she was. She yelled, "Did you ever think to ask me what I wanted Sonny? If you had asked me, I would have said I wanted you". Oh Brenda, you still make me cry!
The Rest of the Cast
* When Felicia realizes that Maxie will be getting BJ's heart!
* When Tony hold onto BJ and cries.... broke all of our hearts!
* When Robin was losing Stone and sat crying on the couch...and then...there was Anna!!!! I was so incredibly happy to see her mom show up just when she needed her most that I completely forgave the fact that Anna was, in fact, dead!
* When Lucy and one of the guys did "Anything You Can Do" at the Nurse's Ball...very fun! There was also a very funny scene invoving auctioning off her clothes!
* Almost any scene that had both Brenda and Lois in it.... I loved these girls together :)
West Wing
* The scene between CJ and Nancy just before she announces the Arms Deal to Kumar. CJ is livid and yells at Nancy, and then slowly breaks down. That was such a powerful scene, and made me love CJ!
* The scene where Josh sees a therapist...Stanley. Toward the end of this episode Stanley really begins to push Josh and I became a huge fan of the actor who plays Stanley.
* The one where Toby confronts the President about his abusive father. That was an amazing episode with a lot of power.
* Danny gives CJ the fish.... I mean come on, this guy is just adorable!
* When CJ finally kisses Danny and then gets all awkward :)
* When Simon and CJ walk home and they flirt and then get very uncomfortable!
* When Simon yells at CJ for leaving security, and then they finally kiss. So sweet, until one scene later Simon is killed..... so sad!
* The Josh and Donna scene where he is in a dark office searching for a file and they talk about how she came to work with him. Big flirting scene, and I loved it :)
* When Abbey, CJ, and Amy get drunk and CJ goes on a tangent about wanting a cat. Awesome!
* The first show when the President walks in quoting the commandments and then warns Josh, "Don't do it again!". It instantly set the father figure tone.
* The one were Ellie is brought into the Oval Office and she and her father face off.
* When CJ sits down with the mapmakers for equality people... cracks me up everytime!
* The one where Sam tells Mallory that he slept with a prostitute...not realizing that he is speaking to the daughter of his boss! Funny :)
Other Shows
* Who's The Boss: When Angela grounds Sam and she yells, "you aren't my mother". This was a really great episode.
* Roseanne: Darlene has to read an essay she wrote and it turns out to be about how she doesn't fit in.
* Cosby Show: When Theo does this long monologue about not being perfect and maybe they could just accept him the way he is. It is intense and you really are expecting an emotional moment between father and son. That's why it is so funny when Cliff gets really upset and goes off on Theo!
* Full House: The pilot episode where DJ moves to the basement and then talks about how much she misses her mom.... made me cry!
* SVU: The one where Elliot's wife goes into labor and Olivia drives her to the hospital. At the end of this one, Elliot pulls Olivia in for a hug, and it was so incredibly sweet!
* Big Bang: When Sheldon is in the ball pit and refuses to get out...Bazinga!!!
* LOST: The finale when Sawyer and Juliet remember....oh...makes me smile to even think of it!!! Also, when Kate helps deliver Aaron for the second time.
September 15, 2010
The Women Who Raised Me
First, let me just say that I am so very grateful for all of my aunts, cousins, and people along the way who stepped in to help parent me in one way or another. For the sake of this entry though, I want to focus on a handful of women who stepped in at various points of my childhood and helped me get through some of life's bumpier roads.
I am going to start with my Aunt Judy. In all ways that count, Judy was my second parent. There are very few memories from my early childhood that don't involve my mom and Judy together. They were a team, raising their two boys and sharing me. Now, I was spirited from a very early age and I think we all know that this trait came from my mom. But there was another, very obvious trait, that I developed as a result of Judy's influence. I was a neat freak and as organized as you could imagine. I loved to help Judy clean, and spent hours lining up perfume bottles by height and color. This was where Judy and I spent a lot of one on one time together and I craved that so much. She was proud of me, and I craved that too. Our other big connection was church. Every Sunday, without fail, Judy would get me all dolled up and take me to Bible Center. I loved church and was very involved in everything. I would sit beside her sometimes, and I could feel how proud she was of me and how much she loved having me there. I was the little girl she had always wanted, and she was the one person (aside from my mom) whom I would go anywhere with. I remember times when a few of the aunts would be going to the store and all the kids would beg to go. They said no because there were just too many of us and it wasn;t fair to only let some. What the kids never knew is that I would sneak in and ask Judy and look so sad and she would let me go hide in the car as long as noone knew. She always made exceptions for me and that made me feel very special. She has always been there for me, no matter what, and gives me that same unconditional love that I got from my mom. I owe Judy so very much and a kid could never ask for two more amazing parents than my mom and Judy.
My Aunt Betty didn't really play a role in my life until I was in my teen years, and even then, it was indirectly, through her children and grandkids. I always new Betty as my mom's wild party pal from her youth. She had lived with mom when we were little, but I didn't really know Betty all that well. About the time I entered my teen years, Betty became a grandma and soon after, she had two more boys of her own. With all these new kids around, mine and Betty's world became very intertwined. Her two boys and three grandkids became very important in my life and I was soon spending most of my time with them. Betty and I sat through endless basketball games and cheerleading practices, Halloween parties, and church plays. I learned so much from watching Betty with all of her kids. There is so much we didn't agree on, and that led to some pretty heated arguments. But there was also something so very familiar about Betty. She was fierce when it came to protecting her kids. I remember people saying that I overreacted when someone hurt one of the kids I cared about, but with Betty, it was all out war if you dared to make one of them cry. For that, I admired her so much. Another thing I really admired about her was her faith. Betty was someone who had been through hell. She had endured more hurt than anyone I had met, and yet, there she sat in church with her boys every Sunday.... grateful. She refused to whine, or feel sorry for herself. She chose to see all her blessings and not dwell on the hard thing she was going through. She took the punches and just got right back up.... never saying a thing. She was a mom and had a job to do, and nothing was going to get in the way of that. More than anything, that is what I learned from Betty... to get back up.
What to say about my Aunt Glenda. Glenda is the aunt that everyone wanted to be around. She lived out of town, so when she came to town there was always a big get together. Everyone changed when she was there... all daily dramas were forgotten and people were laughing and relaxed. Glenda let us play with her expensive cameras, handed out clothes, snuck the kids Margarittas and said swear words to us for shock value! Glenda was cool :) For me though, Glenda was my "escape". She always treated me like an adult, which was something I craved so much. When I was a teenager Glenda let me come down to Oklahoma for a summer to watch one of her new grandkids... it was so nice to get that one on one time with her. We really talked about things and debated ideas and ethics (which I loved to do). She took us on a bus ride to Texas to protest the closing of an Air Force Base. We went on canoe ride and she even gave me a wine cooler. To me, she was the coolest person in the world...and she liked me! That was a huge confidence boost. One night there was a storm and all the lights went out in the neighborhood. We got candles and went to the "circle" outside her apartment and just talked for a really long time. That is my favorite memory. A few years later, when things were getting really hard in my world, Glenda let me bring one of the kids down to stay with her. We spent weeks working through things and she just "listened" as I talked things out. That is Glenda's most wonderful gift... she listens, and doesn't judge you or try to tell you what to do. She just lets you vent and offers support. For a teenager going through some serious emotional chaos, that was the greatest gift of all.
My Aunt Janie. I was seventeen when I went to stay with my aunt (who is actually my cousin) in New York. She lives in the country and during one of our previous trips we had joked that it would be fun to come spend a semester at her house and try country life. I was really close with my New York cousins and had come to idolize Janie and her friend Peggy. They were great... bossy and very "parenting" of me. I was really craving that. I was living away from my mom at the time, and feeling very unhappy where I was. I had all these kids who were looking up to me and I was fighting with their parents. I was justa kid but felt so very grown up and stuck. I felt so much responsibility and was very overwhelmed. Janie stepped in at exactly the right time in my life, and filled a very big void. She wasn't like my mom and Judy.... they babied me. Not her. She was strong and opinionated.... and even though she really was like Glenda, fun and silly,... with me, she pretended to be the "boss". In truth, I knew I could have just walked out at any time, but I was loving this new routine. At her house it was such a different dynamic. They had their own rooms....and so did I, which was amazing in itself! Her kids had rules, chores, and everyone attended church. It felt very much like pretending.... to be mad at having to do the dishes, or begging to stay home from school. I think she and I both knew that it was just fun to for me to hear the words, "No Regina, you can't!!!" In my world, that was never said and in a wierd kind of way...it was so nice to have someone else take the wheel. I felt like a kid there ( well, as close as I have ever felt like a kid anyhow). I was silly, and didn't worry about everyone. I played basketball, and walked in the fields. I rode a bike and swam in the crick. We played tricks on passing cars, and behaved irresponsibly. I let go, and was so very happy. I will always be grateful to Janie for giving me that. I hope she knows how amazing she and Peggy are, and I will never forget my last school day when they took me to the beach and we had breakfast and talked. It meant the world to me.
And of course, there is my mom. I cannot even begin to say enough about how amazing my mom is. There is nothing in this world that my mom has loved more than being a mother. She always hugged me and never once stopped me when I wanted to crawl into her lap. Every single night of my childhood, I curled up with her and she wrapped her arms around me until I fell asleep. She would watch my baby dolls for me and even slept on the couch one night because my baby dolls had already fallen asleep on her bed. I was so upset at the thought of waking them up to move them, that my mom just rolled her eyes and went to the couch. She was amazing. With my mom, I was the most important person in the world. She always made me feel that way. I was such an opinionated and dramatic little thing, and so full of my own ideas. She didn't always understand my passion, but she never dismissed it. My mom would listen to me debate for hours, and work out some ethical dilema I had heard about. And though she didn't cave when I begged her to move me to California so I could chase my movie star dreams, she talked to me in such a sweet way apologizing and trying to make me understand that she couldn't just move all of us to another state. My mom was so incredibly patient and protective of my heart. I love her for that. There are so many things I could list that my mom has done, but instead I will list what she has given me. She gave me strength...because she is one of the strongest people I know. She was so protective of my feelings and of us kids, and I am proud to say that she has taught me to be that way with the kids I love. Watching my mom with older people is the most amazing thing I have ever seen. She is an angel for these special people. My mom is patient and she is understanding. From Dene and James, to Grandma, to Nancy, and so many families along the way... my mom has provided families with a hug when they needed it most. From my mom, I have learned empathy, and how doing a little extra can make all the difference. I love my mom more than anything in this world. If I have done any good for anyone, it is because she has given me so much love, and so much support.
Women..... I am so grateful for these women, all of them, for helping me along the way. I have met so many kids who would give anything to have had even one person to take them under their wing, to hug them, to care. I am very aware of how blessed I am.... and if any of you are reading this, please know that from the bottom of my heart, I thank you.
I am going to start with my Aunt Judy. In all ways that count, Judy was my second parent. There are very few memories from my early childhood that don't involve my mom and Judy together. They were a team, raising their two boys and sharing me. Now, I was spirited from a very early age and I think we all know that this trait came from my mom. But there was another, very obvious trait, that I developed as a result of Judy's influence. I was a neat freak and as organized as you could imagine. I loved to help Judy clean, and spent hours lining up perfume bottles by height and color. This was where Judy and I spent a lot of one on one time together and I craved that so much. She was proud of me, and I craved that too. Our other big connection was church. Every Sunday, without fail, Judy would get me all dolled up and take me to Bible Center. I loved church and was very involved in everything. I would sit beside her sometimes, and I could feel how proud she was of me and how much she loved having me there. I was the little girl she had always wanted, and she was the one person (aside from my mom) whom I would go anywhere with. I remember times when a few of the aunts would be going to the store and all the kids would beg to go. They said no because there were just too many of us and it wasn;t fair to only let some. What the kids never knew is that I would sneak in and ask Judy and look so sad and she would let me go hide in the car as long as noone knew. She always made exceptions for me and that made me feel very special. She has always been there for me, no matter what, and gives me that same unconditional love that I got from my mom. I owe Judy so very much and a kid could never ask for two more amazing parents than my mom and Judy.
My Aunt Betty didn't really play a role in my life until I was in my teen years, and even then, it was indirectly, through her children and grandkids. I always new Betty as my mom's wild party pal from her youth. She had lived with mom when we were little, but I didn't really know Betty all that well. About the time I entered my teen years, Betty became a grandma and soon after, she had two more boys of her own. With all these new kids around, mine and Betty's world became very intertwined. Her two boys and three grandkids became very important in my life and I was soon spending most of my time with them. Betty and I sat through endless basketball games and cheerleading practices, Halloween parties, and church plays. I learned so much from watching Betty with all of her kids. There is so much we didn't agree on, and that led to some pretty heated arguments. But there was also something so very familiar about Betty. She was fierce when it came to protecting her kids. I remember people saying that I overreacted when someone hurt one of the kids I cared about, but with Betty, it was all out war if you dared to make one of them cry. For that, I admired her so much. Another thing I really admired about her was her faith. Betty was someone who had been through hell. She had endured more hurt than anyone I had met, and yet, there she sat in church with her boys every Sunday.... grateful. She refused to whine, or feel sorry for herself. She chose to see all her blessings and not dwell on the hard thing she was going through. She took the punches and just got right back up.... never saying a thing. She was a mom and had a job to do, and nothing was going to get in the way of that. More than anything, that is what I learned from Betty... to get back up.
What to say about my Aunt Glenda. Glenda is the aunt that everyone wanted to be around. She lived out of town, so when she came to town there was always a big get together. Everyone changed when she was there... all daily dramas were forgotten and people were laughing and relaxed. Glenda let us play with her expensive cameras, handed out clothes, snuck the kids Margarittas and said swear words to us for shock value! Glenda was cool :) For me though, Glenda was my "escape". She always treated me like an adult, which was something I craved so much. When I was a teenager Glenda let me come down to Oklahoma for a summer to watch one of her new grandkids... it was so nice to get that one on one time with her. We really talked about things and debated ideas and ethics (which I loved to do). She took us on a bus ride to Texas to protest the closing of an Air Force Base. We went on canoe ride and she even gave me a wine cooler. To me, she was the coolest person in the world...and she liked me! That was a huge confidence boost. One night there was a storm and all the lights went out in the neighborhood. We got candles and went to the "circle" outside her apartment and just talked for a really long time. That is my favorite memory. A few years later, when things were getting really hard in my world, Glenda let me bring one of the kids down to stay with her. We spent weeks working through things and she just "listened" as I talked things out. That is Glenda's most wonderful gift... she listens, and doesn't judge you or try to tell you what to do. She just lets you vent and offers support. For a teenager going through some serious emotional chaos, that was the greatest gift of all.
My Aunt Janie. I was seventeen when I went to stay with my aunt (who is actually my cousin) in New York. She lives in the country and during one of our previous trips we had joked that it would be fun to come spend a semester at her house and try country life. I was really close with my New York cousins and had come to idolize Janie and her friend Peggy. They were great... bossy and very "parenting" of me. I was really craving that. I was living away from my mom at the time, and feeling very unhappy where I was. I had all these kids who were looking up to me and I was fighting with their parents. I was justa kid but felt so very grown up and stuck. I felt so much responsibility and was very overwhelmed. Janie stepped in at exactly the right time in my life, and filled a very big void. She wasn't like my mom and Judy.... they babied me. Not her. She was strong and opinionated.... and even though she really was like Glenda, fun and silly,... with me, she pretended to be the "boss". In truth, I knew I could have just walked out at any time, but I was loving this new routine. At her house it was such a different dynamic. They had their own rooms....and so did I, which was amazing in itself! Her kids had rules, chores, and everyone attended church. It felt very much like pretending.... to be mad at having to do the dishes, or begging to stay home from school. I think she and I both knew that it was just fun to for me to hear the words, "No Regina, you can't!!!" In my world, that was never said and in a wierd kind of way...it was so nice to have someone else take the wheel. I felt like a kid there ( well, as close as I have ever felt like a kid anyhow). I was silly, and didn't worry about everyone. I played basketball, and walked in the fields. I rode a bike and swam in the crick. We played tricks on passing cars, and behaved irresponsibly. I let go, and was so very happy. I will always be grateful to Janie for giving me that. I hope she knows how amazing she and Peggy are, and I will never forget my last school day when they took me to the beach and we had breakfast and talked. It meant the world to me.
And of course, there is my mom. I cannot even begin to say enough about how amazing my mom is. There is nothing in this world that my mom has loved more than being a mother. She always hugged me and never once stopped me when I wanted to crawl into her lap. Every single night of my childhood, I curled up with her and she wrapped her arms around me until I fell asleep. She would watch my baby dolls for me and even slept on the couch one night because my baby dolls had already fallen asleep on her bed. I was so upset at the thought of waking them up to move them, that my mom just rolled her eyes and went to the couch. She was amazing. With my mom, I was the most important person in the world. She always made me feel that way. I was such an opinionated and dramatic little thing, and so full of my own ideas. She didn't always understand my passion, but she never dismissed it. My mom would listen to me debate for hours, and work out some ethical dilema I had heard about. And though she didn't cave when I begged her to move me to California so I could chase my movie star dreams, she talked to me in such a sweet way apologizing and trying to make me understand that she couldn't just move all of us to another state. My mom was so incredibly patient and protective of my heart. I love her for that. There are so many things I could list that my mom has done, but instead I will list what she has given me. She gave me strength...because she is one of the strongest people I know. She was so protective of my feelings and of us kids, and I am proud to say that she has taught me to be that way with the kids I love. Watching my mom with older people is the most amazing thing I have ever seen. She is an angel for these special people. My mom is patient and she is understanding. From Dene and James, to Grandma, to Nancy, and so many families along the way... my mom has provided families with a hug when they needed it most. From my mom, I have learned empathy, and how doing a little extra can make all the difference. I love my mom more than anything in this world. If I have done any good for anyone, it is because she has given me so much love, and so much support.
Women..... I am so grateful for these women, all of them, for helping me along the way. I have met so many kids who would give anything to have had even one person to take them under their wing, to hug them, to care. I am very aware of how blessed I am.... and if any of you are reading this, please know that from the bottom of my heart, I thank you.
September 13, 2010
The Piggy Bank Sermon
When I was younger I went to a church on the Eastside and sat in the pew as the pastor told this story about a little girl and her piggy bank. That message had a big impact on me, and I think about it all the time.
One day the little girl was outside playing with her friends when she heard the bells of the Ice Cream Truck! She ran inside and grabbed her piggy bank off the shelf and brought it over to the bed. She turned the bank upside down and began to shake it. A nickle fell out. She shook it again, and another nickle fell, and then a dime. The little girl was getting frustrated, knowing that she had put much more into this piggy bank than it was giving her back, now that she needed it. She held onto the sides and shook it harder, until the bed was covered in nickles, dimes and quarters. The little girl smiled at how much had been hidden inside that little bank.
After telling us that story, the pastor held up a piggy bank, and said that we are just like that little bank. As he walked to the front of the stage, he smiled and reminded all of us that God had put so many gifts and talents inside of each of us, and often, when he calls on us to use them, we turn away. The pastor held onto the bank and began to shake it so we could hear the change rattling inside as he continued. He said that God tries to remind us....with the bells and signs, and that often when we see that child in need, we buy them a new coat.....or when we see a family struggling, we put an extra $20 dollars in the offering plate, and then walk away. God becomes frustrated because he knows that he has put much more into us than we are giving him back. So, he begins to give us a little shake. Something in OUR world begins to come undone. That's when people start to pray...to pay attention. But as soon as God stops shaking, we get back up and continue on our way, just like we were before. So, God shakes harder this time, and harder until he gets our attention. He wants what he has put into us. He wants us to do more than hand out the money, or buy the kid a Happy Meal. He knows we have so much more to offer, and he will keep shaking until we give back what we have been given.
It is at this point in the sermon when the pastor stepped off the stage and began to walk in the isles, holding the piggy bank up high so we can all see it. He smiled and he looked at each one of us as he began to shake the bank again, saying that even though our world may be shaking, and we may feel that we cannot take much more, he said, "remember, God can't shake you, unless he has his hands around you. He's holding onto you, and he isn't going to let you break. He's waiting....he's waiting for you to do what you were put here to do. He wants you to give back what you have been given."
Powerful! I can still remember sitting in that church on Washington Ave with Judy, and being so overwhelmed by that message. I was young...maybe 12 or 13, but it really connected with me, and to this day, I think about that message.
One day the little girl was outside playing with her friends when she heard the bells of the Ice Cream Truck! She ran inside and grabbed her piggy bank off the shelf and brought it over to the bed. She turned the bank upside down and began to shake it. A nickle fell out. She shook it again, and another nickle fell, and then a dime. The little girl was getting frustrated, knowing that she had put much more into this piggy bank than it was giving her back, now that she needed it. She held onto the sides and shook it harder, until the bed was covered in nickles, dimes and quarters. The little girl smiled at how much had been hidden inside that little bank.
After telling us that story, the pastor held up a piggy bank, and said that we are just like that little bank. As he walked to the front of the stage, he smiled and reminded all of us that God had put so many gifts and talents inside of each of us, and often, when he calls on us to use them, we turn away. The pastor held onto the bank and began to shake it so we could hear the change rattling inside as he continued. He said that God tries to remind us....with the bells and signs, and that often when we see that child in need, we buy them a new coat.....or when we see a family struggling, we put an extra $20 dollars in the offering plate, and then walk away. God becomes frustrated because he knows that he has put much more into us than we are giving him back. So, he begins to give us a little shake. Something in OUR world begins to come undone. That's when people start to pray...to pay attention. But as soon as God stops shaking, we get back up and continue on our way, just like we were before. So, God shakes harder this time, and harder until he gets our attention. He wants what he has put into us. He wants us to do more than hand out the money, or buy the kid a Happy Meal. He knows we have so much more to offer, and he will keep shaking until we give back what we have been given.
It is at this point in the sermon when the pastor stepped off the stage and began to walk in the isles, holding the piggy bank up high so we can all see it. He smiled and he looked at each one of us as he began to shake the bank again, saying that even though our world may be shaking, and we may feel that we cannot take much more, he said, "remember, God can't shake you, unless he has his hands around you. He's holding onto you, and he isn't going to let you break. He's waiting....he's waiting for you to do what you were put here to do. He wants you to give back what you have been given."
Powerful! I can still remember sitting in that church on Washington Ave with Judy, and being so overwhelmed by that message. I was young...maybe 12 or 13, but it really connected with me, and to this day, I think about that message.
September 12, 2010
Thinkable Thoughts
" Sometimes you just have to take the leap and find your wings on the way down "
" The quickest way to find your smile is to help someone else find theirs "
" Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened "
" Don't wait for your ship to come in, start swimming "
" A bend in the road isn't the end of the road, unless you fail to take the curve "
" What one can be, one must be "
" You miss 100% of the shots you don't take "
" People who say it cannot be done should stay out of the way of those who are doing it "
" The only thing necessary for evil to conquer is for good people to do nothing "
" If you really want to be happy, no one can stop you "
" An eye for an eye and the world goes blind "
" Today is the tomorrow that you were worried about yesterday "
" If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always got "
" Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be an oncoming train "
" Some people are like slinkys, in and of themselves they serve no purpose, but both bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs"
" The quickest way to find your smile is to help someone else find theirs "
" Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened "
" Don't wait for your ship to come in, start swimming "
" A bend in the road isn't the end of the road, unless you fail to take the curve "
" What one can be, one must be "
" You miss 100% of the shots you don't take "
" People who say it cannot be done should stay out of the way of those who are doing it "
" The only thing necessary for evil to conquer is for good people to do nothing "
" If you really want to be happy, no one can stop you "
" An eye for an eye and the world goes blind "
" Today is the tomorrow that you were worried about yesterday "
" If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always got "
" Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be an oncoming train "
" Some people are like slinkys, in and of themselves they serve no purpose, but both bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs"
September 11, 2010
September 11th
Today is the ninth anniversary of the Sept 11th attacks. I keep trying to remember where I was when I found out....I think I was upstairs at our house. It was around 10am when I got up and I don't remember if someone called or if I just randomly turned on the television. What I do remember is not really understanding what was happening. The reporters were looking out their windows in New York, and then the guy at the desk looked upset and announced that a second plane had hit the towers. They were cutting to different reporters, and cameras from all over...it was so confusing. Someone finally said that this was clearly a planned attack. They mentioned a plane hitting the Pentagon and that they were evacuating the White House. That's when it started to seem really scarry. I wasn't thinking about terrorism, or more possible attacks. My mind was playing one image over and over again... those people on the plane, so scared and the image of them looking into the building and seeing people running and knowing that they were about to crash into that building. I saw mothers holding screaming children, and young kids that were flying alone with noone to hold onto in those last few minutes. My heart felt so heavy, and I just starred at the television. Just a few minutes after I had turned on the television, the first tower started to fall. We were watching it all through the repoters perspectives. They were just gasping and starring at the screens. The cameras showed it all....and I couldn't take my eyes off of it. It was like a really awful movie effect. My eyes welled up with tears and I just sat there....watching.
During the weeks that followed, we all wanted to help. I remember watching New Yorkers step up in such a huge way. They were a family... a family that had been wounded and had now banded together even tighter than before. Our entire country came together and held vigils, donated blood, sent money, food, and rescuers of all kind. I was never so proud to be a part of this community called America. I can only imagine what it must have been like for those inside New York... to be able to help and to offer comfort in the whatever way they could. So many sad stories came in the weeks that followed that day. For me, some of the hardest ones were of the families carrying the missing persons flyers. Children looking for their parents, and wives holding pictures of their husbands. It was so sad. I also remember the video footage that played on repeated loops all day. It was too much....to see those people jumping out of windows, to hear the 911 calls and goodbye messages to families. I couldn't sleep...everytime I closed my eyes I saw those people on the plane again. Somehow my mind connected that because one of the planes had been headed to California, at least some of those families were headed to Disney Land. That's the visual my mind latched onto. A family with little kids who had waited all year for this trip. Maybe it was their first plane ride, and then these people come into the isles...these scarry men with knives and everyone starts screaming. The kids cry, and the parents try to calm them but are terrified. Then, they see the towers....they get closer, and everyone on the plane begins to panic....the parents begin to cry, and hold on tight to their kids as they get clsoer and closer to the buildings. That's what I saw each time I closed my eyes. It's like your mind can only take so much and then it has to stop. There were so many agonizing deaths.... on the planes, in the towers, at the pentagon, in the field, and throughout the streets of New York. Every day more stories were told, and every ngiht, my mind went right back to this image. It was so overwhelming.
That was nine years ago. Each year I try to take a few minutes right around 9am to just go back to those images. I think it is important that I not forget, because families throughout New York will spend this day thinking about someone they lost. I also try to balance those images by thinking about the outpouring of love we saw in the weeks that followed. I remember firefighters from around this country dropping everything and heading down to ground zero. I remember entire broadway casts and celebrities of all kinds standing in the soup line handing out coffee and snacks to rescue workers. I remember citizens around this country applauding when fire trucks and police cars rolled by. It was a time of brotherhood and sisterhood.... of letting go of all that seperates us and understanding that we all needed a collective hug. They were wonderful images and I will never forget those either.
I imagine that today will be much like all of my other days... go to work, watch TV, and go to sleep. Sounds boring I know, but today I am very aware how blessed I am to be here and to be safe. So many others would give anything to have a day like that, with a loved one that boarded a plane and never came home. My prayer is this... that I never forget the lives that were lost that day, or the beautiful way we took care of each other in the days that followed.
During the weeks that followed, we all wanted to help. I remember watching New Yorkers step up in such a huge way. They were a family... a family that had been wounded and had now banded together even tighter than before. Our entire country came together and held vigils, donated blood, sent money, food, and rescuers of all kind. I was never so proud to be a part of this community called America. I can only imagine what it must have been like for those inside New York... to be able to help and to offer comfort in the whatever way they could. So many sad stories came in the weeks that followed that day. For me, some of the hardest ones were of the families carrying the missing persons flyers. Children looking for their parents, and wives holding pictures of their husbands. It was so sad. I also remember the video footage that played on repeated loops all day. It was too much....to see those people jumping out of windows, to hear the 911 calls and goodbye messages to families. I couldn't sleep...everytime I closed my eyes I saw those people on the plane again. Somehow my mind connected that because one of the planes had been headed to California, at least some of those families were headed to Disney Land. That's the visual my mind latched onto. A family with little kids who had waited all year for this trip. Maybe it was their first plane ride, and then these people come into the isles...these scarry men with knives and everyone starts screaming. The kids cry, and the parents try to calm them but are terrified. Then, they see the towers....they get closer, and everyone on the plane begins to panic....the parents begin to cry, and hold on tight to their kids as they get clsoer and closer to the buildings. That's what I saw each time I closed my eyes. It's like your mind can only take so much and then it has to stop. There were so many agonizing deaths.... on the planes, in the towers, at the pentagon, in the field, and throughout the streets of New York. Every day more stories were told, and every ngiht, my mind went right back to this image. It was so overwhelming.
That was nine years ago. Each year I try to take a few minutes right around 9am to just go back to those images. I think it is important that I not forget, because families throughout New York will spend this day thinking about someone they lost. I also try to balance those images by thinking about the outpouring of love we saw in the weeks that followed. I remember firefighters from around this country dropping everything and heading down to ground zero. I remember entire broadway casts and celebrities of all kinds standing in the soup line handing out coffee and snacks to rescue workers. I remember citizens around this country applauding when fire trucks and police cars rolled by. It was a time of brotherhood and sisterhood.... of letting go of all that seperates us and understanding that we all needed a collective hug. They were wonderful images and I will never forget those either.
I imagine that today will be much like all of my other days... go to work, watch TV, and go to sleep. Sounds boring I know, but today I am very aware how blessed I am to be here and to be safe. So many others would give anything to have a day like that, with a loved one that boarded a plane and never came home. My prayer is this... that I never forget the lives that were lost that day, or the beautiful way we took care of each other in the days that followed.
Sad Days
Today has been a very sad day. From the moment I woke up, something felt off. I tried to push past it and started cleaning the kid's closests, and trying to get things organized because my mom is coming home soon and our living space has to be redefined. It was good to have a project...a set task to accomplish, but as soon as I finished, my eyes got all teary. It wasn't anything specific, just a kind of sadness that lingers sometimes. This time though, it got bigger, and all I wanted in the world was to run to the movies. That's what I do when things get too big. The thing is, I had no money so that wasn't reallly an option. Instead, I called my mom. I knew I shouldn't have, but I did it anyways. I wasn't planning on telling her I was having an off day, I just wanted to talk a little and connect. Instead, hearing her voice instantly made my eyes water and I could feel the emotion getting bigger. She could sense it too, and that made me feel guilty. So, we talked a little, and then I got off the phone and onto the computer. I listened to Reflection, the Mulan song, and that just about sent me over the edge.....tears.
Sometimes I have these kind of days. They always get better. It's hard for me because I feel these two incredibly huge pulls. I want to be here with my mom, and all these people I love so much. I really do want that. The thing is, I also really want that, "jump off the cliff" adventure. My body craves it. It's easy to say that if I am not happy here than I should go do the other thing. In reality, it isn't that simple. I am happy here, there is just this pull nagging away at me. And if I were to go on one of those adventures, I would be happy there too, but that nagging sadness would follow for fear that I am missing moments at home.
I think all people go through this. Usually, it is a different dynamic ( maybe being home with kids vs working, or being single again vs working at repairing a marriage ) but I think the experience is basically the same.... wanting to live two lives at the same time. You can't do that. If I have to choose, then I choose to be here.....it's what I want most. Still, these days are hard, and I am glad they seem to pass with a good nights rest!
Sometimes I have these kind of days. They always get better. It's hard for me because I feel these two incredibly huge pulls. I want to be here with my mom, and all these people I love so much. I really do want that. The thing is, I also really want that, "jump off the cliff" adventure. My body craves it. It's easy to say that if I am not happy here than I should go do the other thing. In reality, it isn't that simple. I am happy here, there is just this pull nagging away at me. And if I were to go on one of those adventures, I would be happy there too, but that nagging sadness would follow for fear that I am missing moments at home.
I think all people go through this. Usually, it is a different dynamic ( maybe being home with kids vs working, or being single again vs working at repairing a marriage ) but I think the experience is basically the same.... wanting to live two lives at the same time. You can't do that. If I have to choose, then I choose to be here.....it's what I want most. Still, these days are hard, and I am glad they seem to pass with a good nights rest!
September 09, 2010
Falling In Love
Falling in love is a concept that is the most basic and complex thing I have ever encountered. For me, the notion of really "falling" in love, you know.... that head over heals, fireworks in the sky, can't sleep, talking about the person nonstop, and losing all perspective on anything else.... that kinda falling in love, I always believed it existed only in those cheesy movies my aunts are so obsessed with. We all grew up with them, and everyone was looking for that person that made the whole world disappear. Not me, I wasn't buying it. If you had asked me at any point through my teen years all the way until about five years ago, I would have argued, with all confidence, that relationships were about one person missing something from their own life and trying to find it in another person. For most, especially young people, it was about wanting security and a place that they belong...someone to hold onto when things went wrong. I did believe that real love existed and that people sometimes found "that person" they wanted to share life with and made that forever kind of love...but to me, that kind of relationship wasn't about fireworks and butterflies, but started as a common interest and grew from friendship into love. The magic, it was simply a Hollywood concept. I felt I was ahead of the game, knowing this, and even though I did crave the contact.... the drama was never worth it and the thought of losing myself was my biggest fear. I was okay in my world, and settled at the thought of it just being me.
Then, it happened to me. What's funny is that I had no idea it was happening. We were friends, both of us in a new city, doing great work, and wanting to make a difference. I am always happiest when I am out away from everything I know, working hard, exhausted, and never really knowing what's next. To have someone else in that same place in their own life, it was just great. I had a friend. Pretty soon we weren't just working together, but going to street fairs, and wandering around downtown. I felt something changing, but to me, that was just part of the magic of having a "best friend". I remember that time period now and it always makes me laugh because we were both looking for reasons to hang out together, flirting nonstop, without even knowing it. I actually remember the exact moment I realized what was happening. We had been playing around downtown and ended up at this really popular fountain right as the sun was going down. There were lots of people....families taking pictures, and kids climbing on the rocks with their glow in the dark toys. Mostly though, there were couples holding hands and walking around the fountain. I remember saying, "this would be a perfect place to take a date" and we both laughed....still not thinking of us in that way. Then, out of nowhere, fireworks started, like on cue! We both smiled, and right there....I knew. Nothing was said, but I knew.
It would actually be a month or so later before we actually put a name to it, but once I knew, I fell hard! Every cheesy emotion I mentioned above, I became that girl. I was so happy. That period between realizing I had found someone I liked that much, and actually beginning to date...it was such a great emotional rollercoaster. I flirted so much, and rearranged everything to coincidentally be in the same place. I layed awake, unable to stop smiling.....I was a chiche, and I loved it. It's funny because, as my theory went, once the initial excitment dwindled, things should have lost their magic. We had flirted for over a month, and when we actually had the courage to begin dating, things got even better. I felt like I was actually living inside the movie! We were taking long walks, going to big city street fairs, and had almost nightly fireworks over the city. Even without believing it existed, I got that fairytale first love experience, complete with all the movie magic you could have imagined.
Now this particular story didn't end with a wedding, a house, and two kids... but it is a wonderful story all the same. I fell in love, and I will never again doubt how amazing that experience can be. It is true that many of my fears came true as well... when you are that happy, it is easy to lose yourself, which I did, but that is just a lesson learned. It has taken me quite awhile to really appreciate the entire process, but I believe in my heart that falling in love is something that every person should experience. I am so happy that I did!
Then, it happened to me. What's funny is that I had no idea it was happening. We were friends, both of us in a new city, doing great work, and wanting to make a difference. I am always happiest when I am out away from everything I know, working hard, exhausted, and never really knowing what's next. To have someone else in that same place in their own life, it was just great. I had a friend. Pretty soon we weren't just working together, but going to street fairs, and wandering around downtown. I felt something changing, but to me, that was just part of the magic of having a "best friend". I remember that time period now and it always makes me laugh because we were both looking for reasons to hang out together, flirting nonstop, without even knowing it. I actually remember the exact moment I realized what was happening. We had been playing around downtown and ended up at this really popular fountain right as the sun was going down. There were lots of people....families taking pictures, and kids climbing on the rocks with their glow in the dark toys. Mostly though, there were couples holding hands and walking around the fountain. I remember saying, "this would be a perfect place to take a date" and we both laughed....still not thinking of us in that way. Then, out of nowhere, fireworks started, like on cue! We both smiled, and right there....I knew. Nothing was said, but I knew.
It would actually be a month or so later before we actually put a name to it, but once I knew, I fell hard! Every cheesy emotion I mentioned above, I became that girl. I was so happy. That period between realizing I had found someone I liked that much, and actually beginning to date...it was such a great emotional rollercoaster. I flirted so much, and rearranged everything to coincidentally be in the same place. I layed awake, unable to stop smiling.....I was a chiche, and I loved it. It's funny because, as my theory went, once the initial excitment dwindled, things should have lost their magic. We had flirted for over a month, and when we actually had the courage to begin dating, things got even better. I felt like I was actually living inside the movie! We were taking long walks, going to big city street fairs, and had almost nightly fireworks over the city. Even without believing it existed, I got that fairytale first love experience, complete with all the movie magic you could have imagined.
Now this particular story didn't end with a wedding, a house, and two kids... but it is a wonderful story all the same. I fell in love, and I will never again doubt how amazing that experience can be. It is true that many of my fears came true as well... when you are that happy, it is easy to lose yourself, which I did, but that is just a lesson learned. It has taken me quite awhile to really appreciate the entire process, but I believe in my heart that falling in love is something that every person should experience. I am so happy that I did!
September 08, 2010
My Wish
There is this new song that I just love by Heather Headley called, "I Wish". It's about wanting to give someone you love everything you can and protect them from all of the hard stuff. It's about understanding that people have to go through the hard times, the obstacles...because that's how you learn to overcome and grow as a person.
There are so many wonderful lines... "I wish you rainy days so you can know the beauty of a clear blue sky" "I wish you just enough Hellos, to get you through Goodbyes" "I hope you always see the forest through the trees" "This is your life, this is your story and when all is said and done, I hope you live with no regrets"
I listen to this song everytime I log onto Facebook because it istantly pulls things back into perspective for me. I understand that I can't protect these kids that I worry so much about. Life can be so hard, but when you pull yourself through that, and make it to the other side...you get stronger and you are more prepared for whatever else life brings your way. I am grateful for my storms that made me so strong. I am also so grateful to have a mom that was such a strong anchor during all of those times. Even in the hardest of my teenage years, when my mom ahd no idea how to help me through the things I was going through....I always knew I could go to her and she would hug me and listen....or just change the subject and help me aviod....whatever I needed, that's what she gave me. I realize that you can't give kids everything, and you can't stop life from happening to them. Each of us have to live our own life, and learn by doing, by failing, by getting knocked down, and by getting back up again. They are important lessons that cannot be skipped if we are to become strong adults. All we can do is hug on our kids, love them, and give them as much support as we can, so that when the tide gets too high, or they lose their path......we can hold on just long enough that they can catch their breath and find their way again.
I would be miserable as a parent. I can say these things, but my heart is not made to sit back and watch people that I love hurting and not step in to help. I have an overdeveloped superhero complex, and I struggle so much with staying back and letting things unfold in their own way and their own time. I am so grateful to have had a mom who held on tight, but never held me back. I cannot imagine what that must have cost her....the tears, the worry, .....she is so much stronger than I could ever be.
There are so many wonderful lines... "I wish you rainy days so you can know the beauty of a clear blue sky" "I wish you just enough Hellos, to get you through Goodbyes" "I hope you always see the forest through the trees" "This is your life, this is your story and when all is said and done, I hope you live with no regrets"
I listen to this song everytime I log onto Facebook because it istantly pulls things back into perspective for me. I understand that I can't protect these kids that I worry so much about. Life can be so hard, but when you pull yourself through that, and make it to the other side...you get stronger and you are more prepared for whatever else life brings your way. I am grateful for my storms that made me so strong. I am also so grateful to have a mom that was such a strong anchor during all of those times. Even in the hardest of my teenage years, when my mom ahd no idea how to help me through the things I was going through....I always knew I could go to her and she would hug me and listen....or just change the subject and help me aviod....whatever I needed, that's what she gave me. I realize that you can't give kids everything, and you can't stop life from happening to them. Each of us have to live our own life, and learn by doing, by failing, by getting knocked down, and by getting back up again. They are important lessons that cannot be skipped if we are to become strong adults. All we can do is hug on our kids, love them, and give them as much support as we can, so that when the tide gets too high, or they lose their path......we can hold on just long enough that they can catch their breath and find their way again.
I would be miserable as a parent. I can say these things, but my heart is not made to sit back and watch people that I love hurting and not step in to help. I have an overdeveloped superhero complex, and I struggle so much with staying back and letting things unfold in their own way and their own time. I am so grateful to have had a mom who held on tight, but never held me back. I cannot imagine what that must have cost her....the tears, the worry, .....she is so much stronger than I could ever be.
August 22, 2010
Starting A Blog
My first post!
Today I decided to start a blog. As best I can tell, blogging is like online journaling, and that sounds like something I would like to try. So, welcome... to my incredibly chaotic mind. Where should I even begin? Ya know, I really have no idea what I am doing, and keep thinking I should surf around a bit and look at some blogs to see what you are suppose to write. I have decided not to do that just yet though, cause I like the idea of just writing.... whatever I am thinking about and feeling, with no expectations of who might read it. So, that's what I shall do for now.
Day 1: This last week I read a story about a young girl around my age that was killed in Afghanistan. She had been there for the last 6 years doing mission work and helping with basic medical care for women and children. This story has really stuck with me. The woman was killed in an ambush, and that alone holds with it plenty of room for sadness. To me though, I do not see a sad story. It lit a spark inside me. This woman, only 33 years old.....she really LIVED. She did that amazing work, changed lives, and found adventure! I mean, can you imagine preparing to go to Afghanistan in 2004... the conversations about life and death you have with your family, the internal peace you would have to make knowing that you are stepping off a cliff, and having faith that you will find your wings. That is huge...and an amazing way to live. Then I think about all the preperation, the excitement and the shear fear that had to be pulsing through her as she spent those last few weeks at home getting ready. The plane ride where she met others stepping off their own cliff, and the instant common ground of "American"....all other titles disappear. I think about those first few weeks and all the learning, which to me sounds so exciting. She learned the language, and immersed herself into the Afghan life. She played with the homeless children, and comforted the frightened mothers. In this new world, she became a hero everyday. She came home one time that first year...and I can only imagine the stories, and the pride she must have had for her work. I think about what that next plane ride back must have been like, without the fear, but rejuvenated and eager to get back to work. This young girl was there for six years...by choice...to do work that she believed was important. To me, the story isn't the tragic way her life ended, but the amazing way it was lived. Her story has sparked a fire inside of me again. I want to be that girl who steps off the cliff, and prays for wings.
Today I decided to start a blog. As best I can tell, blogging is like online journaling, and that sounds like something I would like to try. So, welcome... to my incredibly chaotic mind. Where should I even begin? Ya know, I really have no idea what I am doing, and keep thinking I should surf around a bit and look at some blogs to see what you are suppose to write. I have decided not to do that just yet though, cause I like the idea of just writing.... whatever I am thinking about and feeling, with no expectations of who might read it. So, that's what I shall do for now.
Day 1: This last week I read a story about a young girl around my age that was killed in Afghanistan. She had been there for the last 6 years doing mission work and helping with basic medical care for women and children. This story has really stuck with me. The woman was killed in an ambush, and that alone holds with it plenty of room for sadness. To me though, I do not see a sad story. It lit a spark inside me. This woman, only 33 years old.....she really LIVED. She did that amazing work, changed lives, and found adventure! I mean, can you imagine preparing to go to Afghanistan in 2004... the conversations about life and death you have with your family, the internal peace you would have to make knowing that you are stepping off a cliff, and having faith that you will find your wings. That is huge...and an amazing way to live. Then I think about all the preperation, the excitement and the shear fear that had to be pulsing through her as she spent those last few weeks at home getting ready. The plane ride where she met others stepping off their own cliff, and the instant common ground of "American"....all other titles disappear. I think about those first few weeks and all the learning, which to me sounds so exciting. She learned the language, and immersed herself into the Afghan life. She played with the homeless children, and comforted the frightened mothers. In this new world, she became a hero everyday. She came home one time that first year...and I can only imagine the stories, and the pride she must have had for her work. I think about what that next plane ride back must have been like, without the fear, but rejuvenated and eager to get back to work. This young girl was there for six years...by choice...to do work that she believed was important. To me, the story isn't the tragic way her life ended, but the amazing way it was lived. Her story has sparked a fire inside of me again. I want to be that girl who steps off the cliff, and prays for wings.
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