There is a quote that goes like this, " Your Past Should Be A Springboard,Not A Hammock ". I take from that the idea that you should not sit around reliving your past adventures or your past failures, but learn the lesson, be grateful, and always be moving forward. It's a good quote.
I am stuck in the hammock. I am not caught up in the guilt, but rather in the indulgence of all the fun adventures I have had. I have amazing stories and memories..... I mean, I have pictures all over my walls of me with the Make A Wish kids at Disney, catching a prarie on fire in LaFox, hugging on my ESL kids in Denver, our tent colony where we lived on Padre Island, with all the kids from Camp Sunnyside, and all my little girls that became like family from the Goodwill Shelter. I mean, any one of these pictures brings "that feeling" back to me. The feeling where I KNOW I did a good thing for someone, where I made a difference. The thing is, I am just reliving that experience, and not creating more. I know I could do more. I know that. I want to, but I just don't do it. There are reasons, but all the reasons in the world, all the justifications..... It's not helping.
I have reached that point in my life where I am just waiting. I am not unhappy, but I am not fullfilled. My mind is completely settled on the path that I chose, but my heart just won't stop longing for that other piece. This whole internal battlefield has lost it's excitement, and now, it just makes me feel tired. I have been in this place before, sitting at the edge of the many roads stretched out before me... and I have yet again just sat down. I'm not lost or unhappy.... not depressed or overwhelmed. I am just..... here. Waiting. I am not sure what I will do next. That has a lot of variables. What I do know is this, being here with my mom and making as many amazing memories as I can, that is my priority for now.
You see, I have the best mom in the world. She has always encouraged me to be exactly who I am and has been there every single time that I have needed her. She is strong, she is loyal, and she loves with her whole heart. She forgives, and accepts people as they are. I think she is amazing and I admire her for all the beautiful things she has brought to this world. She's not just my mom. She's a fiercely loyal sister who is proud of her family and would do anything to make her brothers and sisters smile. She is an aunt to a whole cast of teens and adults who know they can count on her, and who think she is the funniest aunt they have. She is a Grandma to three wonderful kids who are so lucky to get that same unconditional love and support that she gives to me and Denny. She is a daughter who misses her mom every day, and who is trying to be there for all the other women in her life that are going through that same sadness. My mom is a hero. Not many people understand just how amazing my mom has been to so many families who are in the process of losing a parent. For years, my mom has shown up at the darkest days of a familes life.... when they were watching their mom or dad fade away. My mom would step in, and be that link that helped both the parent and the child. I have seen them hug her and break into tears. I have watched sons smile at my mom through teary eyes as she calms their mom in a way that they cannot. I've seen daughters clinging to my mom beside hospital beds as they try to understand why it is all happening. I have seen these little old people who couldn't even recall their own kids names, but they would call out for my mom and cry until she got there. Her face was the one they remembered now, and familes were so grateful that my mom was there to comfort their loved one when they couldn't. Even when all she could offer them was a hug, it meant the world to them. I remember one time my mom decided to miss her own family reunion, so she could take an older lady who had come to depend on her for everything on a trip across the county for one last visit with the people she loved. My mom wanted so much to come spend the day with her own family, but she understood how much this woman had come to depend on her, and how little time she had left. She had an opportunity to give this woman one more happy day, and I really am so proud of my mom for doing that.
That's who my mom is. Few people have gotten to see that side of my mom. I have, and I am so grateful for that. So you see, that's who Debbie Kensell is. I will always brag about her as the best mom I could have ever asked for, and the kind of mom that I wish every kid out there could have. But she is so much more than that. There is noone like her, and I love her more than she will ever know.
May 04, 2012
November 18, 2011
Who Gets To Do This Stuff :)
* My Disney World Adventure... 4 months of everything but work :)
...I played in the tunnels underneath Magic Kingdom
...and marched in costume in the Mulan parade!
...I spent three fun filled hours on the streets of MGM taking pictures of magical moments, and giving them out to families!
...I spent an evening volunteering at an Enchanted Village that housed children from Disney's version of "Make A Wish". That night was filled with so much magic, love, tears, and just the most beautiful memories!
...I got to ride on the Tower of Terror in the middle of the night, when all the guests were gone. We walked through that haunted castle and they offered to let me ride alone in my very own elevator!!! I passed
...Mom, Judy and I stayed at the Disney Institue and they spent their days exploring while I worked. It was an amazing week filled with breakfast buffets with Mickey and his friends, hotel hopping, lounging in hammocks, late nights on Pleasure Island, .... and ultimately, Judy getting lost on a boat and us missing our flight home! There was no flight till morning and we were already checked out of the hotel, so we slept on the chairs by the pool!!! Homeless in Disney World... an amazing adventure!
...I signed up for a commercial/marketing campaign for a new ride an Animal Kingdom. We showed up (about 100 cast members) at 4am and rode the Kali River Rapids ride over and over for about 4 hours while they filmed and photographed us! It was amazing, and very wet!
...I was pulled onstage at a comedy club, and was used as a prop in an improv game. The scene got a little raunchy, and my face got a little red :)
...At the Adventurer's Club, I was tackled by a French Maid, handcuffed by a sheriff, and completely confused when my barstool kept lowering all by itself! So much fun :)
...I danced on a revolving floor with cages, strobe lights, and pulsating music. I watched the people dance the night away at an 80's themed club with old guys constantly trying to pull me onto the dance floor :) I made friends at the BET club, and they attempted to prove everyone has rythym. They were wrong!
... Fireworks!!! On most every night I was in the magical land of Disney, I watched 3 completely amazing firework shows. If I was working, it all started with my show..Fantasmic! This beautiful and exciting show culminates with Mickey popping out of a huge mountain, and fireworks lighting up the sky! It is musical/lightshow that is unmatched! While the 10,000 plus guests are leaving our show, the Epcot fireworks begin. I spent each night helping guests find their way out, while listening to them oohh and ahhh and all the bright explosions! It was amazing! And on most nights, I left from work and made it to Pleasure Island by 11:30pm.... just in time for the Countdown! You see, on Pleasure Island, every night is New Year's Eve! Theirs a 30 minute countdown, where everyone packs the West Side of the Island (imagine NYC crowds where you can't move) and the music blasts out from all around you. Dancers perform stunts, and blacklight trickery. They get everyone screaming, and dancing along. Then, as you reach that final minute, the New Year's countdown explodes! People scream, fireworks errupt in the sky, and confetti covers the island!!! It is beautiful, and I got to do this almost every single night!!!
...I played in the tunnels underneath Magic Kingdom
...and marched in costume in the Mulan parade!
...I spent three fun filled hours on the streets of MGM taking pictures of magical moments, and giving them out to families!
...I spent an evening volunteering at an Enchanted Village that housed children from Disney's version of "Make A Wish". That night was filled with so much magic, love, tears, and just the most beautiful memories!
...I got to ride on the Tower of Terror in the middle of the night, when all the guests were gone. We walked through that haunted castle and they offered to let me ride alone in my very own elevator!!! I passed
...Mom, Judy and I stayed at the Disney Institue and they spent their days exploring while I worked. It was an amazing week filled with breakfast buffets with Mickey and his friends, hotel hopping, lounging in hammocks, late nights on Pleasure Island, .... and ultimately, Judy getting lost on a boat and us missing our flight home! There was no flight till morning and we were already checked out of the hotel, so we slept on the chairs by the pool!!! Homeless in Disney World... an amazing adventure!
...I signed up for a commercial/marketing campaign for a new ride an Animal Kingdom. We showed up (about 100 cast members) at 4am and rode the Kali River Rapids ride over and over for about 4 hours while they filmed and photographed us! It was amazing, and very wet!
...I was pulled onstage at a comedy club, and was used as a prop in an improv game. The scene got a little raunchy, and my face got a little red :)
...At the Adventurer's Club, I was tackled by a French Maid, handcuffed by a sheriff, and completely confused when my barstool kept lowering all by itself! So much fun :)
...I danced on a revolving floor with cages, strobe lights, and pulsating music. I watched the people dance the night away at an 80's themed club with old guys constantly trying to pull me onto the dance floor :) I made friends at the BET club, and they attempted to prove everyone has rythym. They were wrong!
... Fireworks!!! On most every night I was in the magical land of Disney, I watched 3 completely amazing firework shows. If I was working, it all started with my show..Fantasmic! This beautiful and exciting show culminates with Mickey popping out of a huge mountain, and fireworks lighting up the sky! It is musical/lightshow that is unmatched! While the 10,000 plus guests are leaving our show, the Epcot fireworks begin. I spent each night helping guests find their way out, while listening to them oohh and ahhh and all the bright explosions! It was amazing! And on most nights, I left from work and made it to Pleasure Island by 11:30pm.... just in time for the Countdown! You see, on Pleasure Island, every night is New Year's Eve! Theirs a 30 minute countdown, where everyone packs the West Side of the Island (imagine NYC crowds where you can't move) and the music blasts out from all around you. Dancers perform stunts, and blacklight trickery. They get everyone screaming, and dancing along. Then, as you reach that final minute, the New Year's countdown explodes! People scream, fireworks errupt in the sky, and confetti covers the island!!! It is beautiful, and I got to do this almost every single night!!!
Those Moments Where I Failed
Lately I've been going through my journals and remembering some really big life moments that changed me forever. There are so many wonderful ones, from Camp Sunnyside to my Disney Days. I will dedicate another entry to those, but for this one, I want to write about a day that left a scar on my heart. It was a day where I let a little boy down in the most fundamental of ways.
I remember sitting there beside his cot at the daycare, his little body trembling as he alternated between crying and screaming. He kept saying, " I just wanna go home. " The more I'd try to calm him, the louder he got. My coworkers had just shook their heads when I decided to go sit with him, " just let him cry it out " they said. Anyone who knows me at all knows that I just cannot do that. This little boy was brand new to our daycare, and was going through, what I was sure to be, the hardest days of his life.
I sat there quietly for a few minutes, hoping my presence would help him feel more safe. He got louder and louder, wanting desperately for me to listen and take him to his mom. I talked calmly and reminded him that I could not do that. It was breaking my heart, but I tried again to assure him that he was going to love it here. I reminded him of the playground he had loved so much earlier in the day, and of all the arts and crafts we would be doing. I told him we could skip naptime and go for a walk. I tried everything, but it only seemed to make his body shake more, and the tears come faster. After awhile I knew his little body couldn't go on, and his voice was getting horse from all the screaming. I got firm and said, "Look, you can cry if you want to, but you have to stop screaming!" My strong voice startled him, and he had the saddest look on his face when he looked me right in the eye and begged, " Please, I just wanna go home". My eyes instantly welled up, and so did his. I could feel his little heart breaking, and I pulled my eyes closed and leaned my head back against the wall. The tears came down my cheek, and my heart began to ache like it hadn't in a very long time.
I felt awful for being a part of this. I wanted so much to take him in my arms and tell him it was going to be okay. I wanted to take him to the one person who could fix this for him. He wanted his mom. Not the woman who the courts had given him to today, who had brought him to this shelter to live. Not the woman who had finished her own long struggle with addiction and who now was trying to put her life together. This woman was fun to visit now and then in an office or at the park, but this woman who would be picking him up after his nap, she was not his mom. She may have given birth to him 5 years ago, but ever since then, there was another woman who had held him and sang to him, and tucked him in each day at napttime. That was the woman he was crying for. That little boy fell asleep begging me to take him home, to his mom. My heart broke, and it has yet to heal.
I remember sitting there beside his cot at the daycare, his little body trembling as he alternated between crying and screaming. He kept saying, " I just wanna go home. " The more I'd try to calm him, the louder he got. My coworkers had just shook their heads when I decided to go sit with him, " just let him cry it out " they said. Anyone who knows me at all knows that I just cannot do that. This little boy was brand new to our daycare, and was going through, what I was sure to be, the hardest days of his life.
I sat there quietly for a few minutes, hoping my presence would help him feel more safe. He got louder and louder, wanting desperately for me to listen and take him to his mom. I talked calmly and reminded him that I could not do that. It was breaking my heart, but I tried again to assure him that he was going to love it here. I reminded him of the playground he had loved so much earlier in the day, and of all the arts and crafts we would be doing. I told him we could skip naptime and go for a walk. I tried everything, but it only seemed to make his body shake more, and the tears come faster. After awhile I knew his little body couldn't go on, and his voice was getting horse from all the screaming. I got firm and said, "Look, you can cry if you want to, but you have to stop screaming!" My strong voice startled him, and he had the saddest look on his face when he looked me right in the eye and begged, " Please, I just wanna go home". My eyes instantly welled up, and so did his. I could feel his little heart breaking, and I pulled my eyes closed and leaned my head back against the wall. The tears came down my cheek, and my heart began to ache like it hadn't in a very long time.
I felt awful for being a part of this. I wanted so much to take him in my arms and tell him it was going to be okay. I wanted to take him to the one person who could fix this for him. He wanted his mom. Not the woman who the courts had given him to today, who had brought him to this shelter to live. Not the woman who had finished her own long struggle with addiction and who now was trying to put her life together. This woman was fun to visit now and then in an office or at the park, but this woman who would be picking him up after his nap, she was not his mom. She may have given birth to him 5 years ago, but ever since then, there was another woman who had held him and sang to him, and tucked him in each day at napttime. That was the woman he was crying for. That little boy fell asleep begging me to take him home, to his mom. My heart broke, and it has yet to heal.
November 17, 2011
Being A Vegetarian
I can't remember the exact date that I became a vegetarian. I know I was around 17 or 18 years old. Everyone thought it was a phase that I'd outgrow, much the way I did Cheerleading, Karate, and wanting to be a Movie Star. Honestly, I wasn't sure I could do it either but in the beginning, it wasn't even hard. For as far back as I can remember, I was very connected to animals, and to people who picked on or tortured bugs, insects, or anything alive. I was extremely empathetic, even to those lonely carts at the laundry matt that got seperated from all the others ( but that's another story )
May 13, 2011
Jellybeans and Friday the 13th
Sometimes I just make up a catchy title and then start from there :) Well, it's been quite awhile since I've added an entry, so I thought it was time. After my last enttry, someone e-mailed me and said some pretty hurtful things. Another person was trying to be reassuring, and said, " You are such a nice person, if only you hadn't been so mean as a kid " Heraing that, hit even harder than the other person's intentional jabs. I tried to shake it, but it hit deep, and then my walls went even higher. I like to think I'm past allowing other people's interpretation of my past affect me, but I am not. Words matter, and as much as I wish I knew how to stop it, I think I am always going to have this hidden desire to be liked and understood. But here's the thing... I like me... I like who I was as a child, as a teenager, and who I am now as an adult. If you don't, then feel free to stay away and stop reading my blog :)
So, back to jellybeans! Did you know that at the JellyBelly factory they take you on a train and show you how they are made.... then you get to go into this candy workshop and try as many odd flavored jellybeans as you want! It was amazing :) I tried Bacon, Squash, and Vomit flavors! Disgusting, I know, but it makes for great storytelling!
Today is Friday the 13th. I remember how exciting that used to be when I was in school. Every teacher would comment on it, and kids were all giggly at every bad thing because they were sure it was a curse! But today, it was a pretty good day. Mom and I worked out the bills, I went with all the aunts to the movies, and then I sat at Zoup and read a magazine. A good day. Obviously I don't believe that a certain date can bring problems any more than I believe a bunch of sevens lines up will bring me luck. But still, it's fun to attach holidays to random days.... it gives you something to talk about :)
Alright, this was definately my most uninteresting entry, but I plan on using this site again, so some days will just be me rambling. For now, I'm off to watch some television!
So, back to jellybeans! Did you know that at the JellyBelly factory they take you on a train and show you how they are made.... then you get to go into this candy workshop and try as many odd flavored jellybeans as you want! It was amazing :) I tried Bacon, Squash, and Vomit flavors! Disgusting, I know, but it makes for great storytelling!
Today is Friday the 13th. I remember how exciting that used to be when I was in school. Every teacher would comment on it, and kids were all giggly at every bad thing because they were sure it was a curse! But today, it was a pretty good day. Mom and I worked out the bills, I went with all the aunts to the movies, and then I sat at Zoup and read a magazine. A good day. Obviously I don't believe that a certain date can bring problems any more than I believe a bunch of sevens lines up will bring me luck. But still, it's fun to attach holidays to random days.... it gives you something to talk about :)
Alright, this was definately my most uninteresting entry, but I plan on using this site again, so some days will just be me rambling. For now, I'm off to watch some television!
September 20, 2010
Waiting For My Wizard
There is a song that goes like this, "Once I'm with the wizard my whole life will change, cause once your with the wizard no one thinks your strange.... and this gift or this curse that I have inside maybe at last I'll know why, when we are hand in hand, the wizard and I."
You see, that makes sense to me... a girl who doesn't fit in, who feels so special and important inside, but in this world she has been stuck in, it comes off as just really different. It's not a good thing here and she hopes that one day someone is going to come along and reveal her destiny and take her away to a place where she fits in and all that passion inside will be appreciated and applauded. She craves it so much and hasn't given up hope that this "Wizard" will come.
No matter how confident a person you are... and my self esteem is pretty well in tact... everyone wants to know that they are important and that they have a purpose...a destiny to fulfill. Ever since I was little I felt so much bigger than I ever was. I was strong willed and confident, and I had so much passion about so many things. If a commercial for Feed the Children would come on, that would be all I could think about for days. I'd sit in class and feel so trapped, knowing that there was real things to be done out there. I was so incredibly ready to get to work, and being trapped in those schools was very hard for me. I wrote to the Peace Corps and St Jude Hospital when I was thirteen. I begged them to let me come help. I wanted that so much. Instead, I got very sweet letters saying that they appreciated my passion, and that they looked forward to having me join their team when I turned eighteen. I think they even sent me stickers. It was very sad for me. To have all that passion and not have an outlet... that is a very destructive thing.
When I was in Chicago I saw this school that is amazing. It's social service charter school for kids. Kids from kindergarden all the way up spend 2 hours everyday doing projects with nursing homes, cleaning parks, volunteering at non profits, and so many other amazing projects. In addition, these kids are required to complete a large number of Service Learning hours to graduate.... even in kindergarden!!! I love it, and I am so happy they make these kind of schools. Imagine a fourth grader who recycles, volunteers at a nursing home, has worked in adaptive classrooms, helps serve lunch at a Children's HIV hospital, and is a pen pal with a kid his age in Kenya. I met that kid, and he was so funny and sweet and absolutely no different than the other 16 of his classmates. These are the kids that will change the world. They are surrounded from day one with people from all walks of life, and they are learning more than just math and reading...they are learning to make things better. I had no idea schools like these existed until I went to Chicago back in 2005. Since them, I've seen them all over. I am amazed, and believe that I would have excelled in schools like these.
I am I. We all arrive where we are for a reason... I really believe that. So, I am grateful for the path I took and wouldn;t change even the hard things, because the good and the bad almost always effect each other. Take away the bad, and that lesson goes away too. Some of my hardest transitions made me more open to take the next leap! I dreaded leaving Disney because I was so happy there. Without leaving Disney behind though, I would not have had my Americorps year. That was the best time of my life, and I spent every moment with my team. We had amazing adventures and I loved them all like family. That goodbye was the hardest of all, and I almost fell apart even at the thought of it. It was hard, but without that goodbye, I would not have had the next...very important... hello. Leaving Denver meant coming to Chicago and then Milwaukee.... which was the happiest time of my life.
I say all of that to say this... I wouldn't trade my past for anything, but I am still hoping that one day I will find a place where I fit in. I want to be around people with that same passion and who challenge and excite me. I thrive on competition and high expectations. I know there is a place out there that can give me all that I am looking for and that I can share my talents with. I may never find that place, but I will never stop craving it. So Wizard, wherever you are... come find me :)
You see, that makes sense to me... a girl who doesn't fit in, who feels so special and important inside, but in this world she has been stuck in, it comes off as just really different. It's not a good thing here and she hopes that one day someone is going to come along and reveal her destiny and take her away to a place where she fits in and all that passion inside will be appreciated and applauded. She craves it so much and hasn't given up hope that this "Wizard" will come.
No matter how confident a person you are... and my self esteem is pretty well in tact... everyone wants to know that they are important and that they have a purpose...a destiny to fulfill. Ever since I was little I felt so much bigger than I ever was. I was strong willed and confident, and I had so much passion about so many things. If a commercial for Feed the Children would come on, that would be all I could think about for days. I'd sit in class and feel so trapped, knowing that there was real things to be done out there. I was so incredibly ready to get to work, and being trapped in those schools was very hard for me. I wrote to the Peace Corps and St Jude Hospital when I was thirteen. I begged them to let me come help. I wanted that so much. Instead, I got very sweet letters saying that they appreciated my passion, and that they looked forward to having me join their team when I turned eighteen. I think they even sent me stickers. It was very sad for me. To have all that passion and not have an outlet... that is a very destructive thing.
When I was in Chicago I saw this school that is amazing. It's social service charter school for kids. Kids from kindergarden all the way up spend 2 hours everyday doing projects with nursing homes, cleaning parks, volunteering at non profits, and so many other amazing projects. In addition, these kids are required to complete a large number of Service Learning hours to graduate.... even in kindergarden!!! I love it, and I am so happy they make these kind of schools. Imagine a fourth grader who recycles, volunteers at a nursing home, has worked in adaptive classrooms, helps serve lunch at a Children's HIV hospital, and is a pen pal with a kid his age in Kenya. I met that kid, and he was so funny and sweet and absolutely no different than the other 16 of his classmates. These are the kids that will change the world. They are surrounded from day one with people from all walks of life, and they are learning more than just math and reading...they are learning to make things better. I had no idea schools like these existed until I went to Chicago back in 2005. Since them, I've seen them all over. I am amazed, and believe that I would have excelled in schools like these.
I am I. We all arrive where we are for a reason... I really believe that. So, I am grateful for the path I took and wouldn;t change even the hard things, because the good and the bad almost always effect each other. Take away the bad, and that lesson goes away too. Some of my hardest transitions made me more open to take the next leap! I dreaded leaving Disney because I was so happy there. Without leaving Disney behind though, I would not have had my Americorps year. That was the best time of my life, and I spent every moment with my team. We had amazing adventures and I loved them all like family. That goodbye was the hardest of all, and I almost fell apart even at the thought of it. It was hard, but without that goodbye, I would not have had the next...very important... hello. Leaving Denver meant coming to Chicago and then Milwaukee.... which was the happiest time of my life.
I say all of that to say this... I wouldn't trade my past for anything, but I am still hoping that one day I will find a place where I fit in. I want to be around people with that same passion and who challenge and excite me. I thrive on competition and high expectations. I know there is a place out there that can give me all that I am looking for and that I can share my talents with. I may never find that place, but I will never stop craving it. So Wizard, wherever you are... come find me :)
September 18, 2010
Becoming the Target
You know, I am not comfortable with fighting. Most people who know me think that I am, that I crave it even, but I really don't. I like to debate, to challenge ideas and be pushed out of my comfort zone, that I love. When it crosses that line though, my body gets tense and I anticipate every bad thing that can happen next, and I have to find a way to end it fast. That is what people tend to see, me jumping into a tense situation and going for the kill. It escalates the situation instantly, but no matter who they were mad at before I entered the conversation, all the anger swings right at me.
I have spent a lot of time in therapy and on my own trying to understand why I do this. Here's what I've come up with... I hate being vulnerable. Not knowing what comes next and who might get hurt, that is unbearable for me. I see an argument involving someone I care about across the room, and my body instantly tunes in. I can feel the tension in the room, and see the concern on all the faces. Then, I see the person shrink from being yelled at, and I can feel the heat rush to my face. I step in, always loud and strong and way more than what may be needed, and it always brings the same result. Attention is pulled off the original target and onto me. The whole room blames me now because I am being so loud and so mean and now everyone has a common person to blame. I pull it all in, explode one way or another, and then leave.
That was my pattern. It worked for me, and though it never helped solve the initial argument, it gave everyone a chance to take a break and be ready when the arguement came back around. You see, it sounds like I am making myself out to be some kind of nobel hero, but in truth.... I am very aware that my behavior rarely helped fix anything. What it did do though, was make people leary of attacking the people I care about when they were anywhere near me.... which provided a kind of safe zone for awhile. I am not sorry for that. But still, it had a huge price... for mom, for the family in general, and for all those kids who never really learned how to deal with people who were being unfair to them. I could only be there part of the time and they needed to learn how to handle these situations on their own. So, for that, I should have done better.
As for me, it was survival. We have a great family, but when you are a kid with as much passion as I had, it was really hard to grow up with so many dynamics and personalities. Some people coddled and listened to your ideas. Others, they liked to see a little girl get all upset and scream or cry. It was entertainment to them. For me, it was what led to me building so many walls that it was almost impossible for me to let anyone in. I was on guard, always. Even now, I am guarded when in a big group of my family. I love these people, and even the ones I am not fond of... they are connected to the ones I am. And because it is not as easy as just deciding not to jump into arguements (once learned, routines are hard to break) I have to be very careful where I allow myself to be always factoring who might be at a particular event. That is sad, because we really do have quite an amazing family with some of the most giving and loving people I have ever met. But when you care about people and are invested in having a relationship with them, then they have the power to hurt you.
It is a little easier these days because all the kids are grown up. It is a lot easier to allow adults to handle a disagreement than to stand by while one of the kids are being trapped. They are capaple now of deciding how they want to handle situations. I am trying so hard to shift my focus and just work on making sure my mom and all aunts are happy. I don't want to cause friction, and I certainly don't want to cause mom any more drama.... she's had enough. But still, I am who I am. When faced with a situation where I feel someone is being attacked unfairly and is not able to defend themselves..... I cannot help it. Nor am I sure I want to. What I do wish, is that I was better at trying to mend the divide instead of just choosing a side to be on. Often, that leaves me very far away from people I care about.
I have spent a lot of time in therapy and on my own trying to understand why I do this. Here's what I've come up with... I hate being vulnerable. Not knowing what comes next and who might get hurt, that is unbearable for me. I see an argument involving someone I care about across the room, and my body instantly tunes in. I can feel the tension in the room, and see the concern on all the faces. Then, I see the person shrink from being yelled at, and I can feel the heat rush to my face. I step in, always loud and strong and way more than what may be needed, and it always brings the same result. Attention is pulled off the original target and onto me. The whole room blames me now because I am being so loud and so mean and now everyone has a common person to blame. I pull it all in, explode one way or another, and then leave.
That was my pattern. It worked for me, and though it never helped solve the initial argument, it gave everyone a chance to take a break and be ready when the arguement came back around. You see, it sounds like I am making myself out to be some kind of nobel hero, but in truth.... I am very aware that my behavior rarely helped fix anything. What it did do though, was make people leary of attacking the people I care about when they were anywhere near me.... which provided a kind of safe zone for awhile. I am not sorry for that. But still, it had a huge price... for mom, for the family in general, and for all those kids who never really learned how to deal with people who were being unfair to them. I could only be there part of the time and they needed to learn how to handle these situations on their own. So, for that, I should have done better.
As for me, it was survival. We have a great family, but when you are a kid with as much passion as I had, it was really hard to grow up with so many dynamics and personalities. Some people coddled and listened to your ideas. Others, they liked to see a little girl get all upset and scream or cry. It was entertainment to them. For me, it was what led to me building so many walls that it was almost impossible for me to let anyone in. I was on guard, always. Even now, I am guarded when in a big group of my family. I love these people, and even the ones I am not fond of... they are connected to the ones I am. And because it is not as easy as just deciding not to jump into arguements (once learned, routines are hard to break) I have to be very careful where I allow myself to be always factoring who might be at a particular event. That is sad, because we really do have quite an amazing family with some of the most giving and loving people I have ever met. But when you care about people and are invested in having a relationship with them, then they have the power to hurt you.
It is a little easier these days because all the kids are grown up. It is a lot easier to allow adults to handle a disagreement than to stand by while one of the kids are being trapped. They are capaple now of deciding how they want to handle situations. I am trying so hard to shift my focus and just work on making sure my mom and all aunts are happy. I don't want to cause friction, and I certainly don't want to cause mom any more drama.... she's had enough. But still, I am who I am. When faced with a situation where I feel someone is being attacked unfairly and is not able to defend themselves..... I cannot help it. Nor am I sure I want to. What I do wish, is that I was better at trying to mend the divide instead of just choosing a side to be on. Often, that leaves me very far away from people I care about.
September 16, 2010
Television Moments I Love
General Hospital
Sonny and Brenda
* When Sonny decides to leave Lilly and finds Brenda outside Kelley's in an alleyway. They finally kiss, and I remember just how excited I was!!! That is, until a few scenes later when Sonny watches his wife and kid blown to pieces because of his choice. Heartbreaking!
* When Brenda lays on the couch in her wedding dress, crying and remembering all the scenes from her and Sonny's time together. I hated Sonny for doing that to her.
* When Brenda wore the wire... so incredibly intense!
* When Jax takes Brenda to California to help her recover from her heartbreak with Sonny.
* When Lois and Ned double date with Brenda and Jax.... to make Sonny jealous :)
* When Jax tellls Sonny to stay away from Brenda and he comes back all cocky with, "well, if you can teach your girl to say that, maybe I will!" Yeah, I love Sonny!
* When Brenda tells Sonny goodbye and chooses Jax... they behave all grown up, no yelling or crying, and it just broke my heart!
* New Episode when Brenda tells Sonny to go back to his kids. When she got all teary and brought up how he left her at the alter, I could see how hurt she was. She yelled, "Did you ever think to ask me what I wanted Sonny? If you had asked me, I would have said I wanted you". Oh Brenda, you still make me cry!
The Rest of the Cast
* When Felicia realizes that Maxie will be getting BJ's heart!
* When Tony hold onto BJ and cries.... broke all of our hearts!
* When Robin was losing Stone and sat crying on the couch...and then...there was Anna!!!! I was so incredibly happy to see her mom show up just when she needed her most that I completely forgave the fact that Anna was, in fact, dead!
* When Lucy and one of the guys did "Anything You Can Do" at the Nurse's Ball...very fun! There was also a very funny scene invoving auctioning off her clothes!
* Almost any scene that had both Brenda and Lois in it.... I loved these girls together :)
West Wing
* The scene between CJ and Nancy just before she announces the Arms Deal to Kumar. CJ is livid and yells at Nancy, and then slowly breaks down. That was such a powerful scene, and made me love CJ!
* The scene where Josh sees a therapist...Stanley. Toward the end of this episode Stanley really begins to push Josh and I became a huge fan of the actor who plays Stanley.
* The one where Toby confronts the President about his abusive father. That was an amazing episode with a lot of power.
* Danny gives CJ the fish.... I mean come on, this guy is just adorable!
* When CJ finally kisses Danny and then gets all awkward :)
* When Simon and CJ walk home and they flirt and then get very uncomfortable!
* When Simon yells at CJ for leaving security, and then they finally kiss. So sweet, until one scene later Simon is killed..... so sad!
* The Josh and Donna scene where he is in a dark office searching for a file and they talk about how she came to work with him. Big flirting scene, and I loved it :)
* When Abbey, CJ, and Amy get drunk and CJ goes on a tangent about wanting a cat. Awesome!
* The first show when the President walks in quoting the commandments and then warns Josh, "Don't do it again!". It instantly set the father figure tone.
* The one were Ellie is brought into the Oval Office and she and her father face off.
* When CJ sits down with the mapmakers for equality people... cracks me up everytime!
* The one where Sam tells Mallory that he slept with a prostitute...not realizing that he is speaking to the daughter of his boss! Funny :)
Other Shows
* Who's The Boss: When Angela grounds Sam and she yells, "you aren't my mother". This was a really great episode.
* Roseanne: Darlene has to read an essay she wrote and it turns out to be about how she doesn't fit in.
* Cosby Show: When Theo does this long monologue about not being perfect and maybe they could just accept him the way he is. It is intense and you really are expecting an emotional moment between father and son. That's why it is so funny when Cliff gets really upset and goes off on Theo!
* Full House: The pilot episode where DJ moves to the basement and then talks about how much she misses her mom.... made me cry!
* SVU: The one where Elliot's wife goes into labor and Olivia drives her to the hospital. At the end of this one, Elliot pulls Olivia in for a hug, and it was so incredibly sweet!
* Big Bang: When Sheldon is in the ball pit and refuses to get out...Bazinga!!!
* LOST: The finale when Sawyer and Juliet remember....oh...makes me smile to even think of it!!! Also, when Kate helps deliver Aaron for the second time.
Sonny and Brenda
* When Sonny decides to leave Lilly and finds Brenda outside Kelley's in an alleyway. They finally kiss, and I remember just how excited I was!!! That is, until a few scenes later when Sonny watches his wife and kid blown to pieces because of his choice. Heartbreaking!
* When Brenda lays on the couch in her wedding dress, crying and remembering all the scenes from her and Sonny's time together. I hated Sonny for doing that to her.
* When Brenda wore the wire... so incredibly intense!
* When Jax takes Brenda to California to help her recover from her heartbreak with Sonny.
* When Lois and Ned double date with Brenda and Jax.... to make Sonny jealous :)
* When Jax tellls Sonny to stay away from Brenda and he comes back all cocky with, "well, if you can teach your girl to say that, maybe I will!" Yeah, I love Sonny!
* When Brenda tells Sonny goodbye and chooses Jax... they behave all grown up, no yelling or crying, and it just broke my heart!
* New Episode when Brenda tells Sonny to go back to his kids. When she got all teary and brought up how he left her at the alter, I could see how hurt she was. She yelled, "Did you ever think to ask me what I wanted Sonny? If you had asked me, I would have said I wanted you". Oh Brenda, you still make me cry!
The Rest of the Cast
* When Felicia realizes that Maxie will be getting BJ's heart!
* When Tony hold onto BJ and cries.... broke all of our hearts!
* When Robin was losing Stone and sat crying on the couch...and then...there was Anna!!!! I was so incredibly happy to see her mom show up just when she needed her most that I completely forgave the fact that Anna was, in fact, dead!
* When Lucy and one of the guys did "Anything You Can Do" at the Nurse's Ball...very fun! There was also a very funny scene invoving auctioning off her clothes!
* Almost any scene that had both Brenda and Lois in it.... I loved these girls together :)
West Wing
* The scene between CJ and Nancy just before she announces the Arms Deal to Kumar. CJ is livid and yells at Nancy, and then slowly breaks down. That was such a powerful scene, and made me love CJ!
* The scene where Josh sees a therapist...Stanley. Toward the end of this episode Stanley really begins to push Josh and I became a huge fan of the actor who plays Stanley.
* The one where Toby confronts the President about his abusive father. That was an amazing episode with a lot of power.
* Danny gives CJ the fish.... I mean come on, this guy is just adorable!
* When CJ finally kisses Danny and then gets all awkward :)
* When Simon and CJ walk home and they flirt and then get very uncomfortable!
* When Simon yells at CJ for leaving security, and then they finally kiss. So sweet, until one scene later Simon is killed..... so sad!
* The Josh and Donna scene where he is in a dark office searching for a file and they talk about how she came to work with him. Big flirting scene, and I loved it :)
* When Abbey, CJ, and Amy get drunk and CJ goes on a tangent about wanting a cat. Awesome!
* The first show when the President walks in quoting the commandments and then warns Josh, "Don't do it again!". It instantly set the father figure tone.
* The one were Ellie is brought into the Oval Office and she and her father face off.
* When CJ sits down with the mapmakers for equality people... cracks me up everytime!
* The one where Sam tells Mallory that he slept with a prostitute...not realizing that he is speaking to the daughter of his boss! Funny :)
Other Shows
* Who's The Boss: When Angela grounds Sam and she yells, "you aren't my mother". This was a really great episode.
* Roseanne: Darlene has to read an essay she wrote and it turns out to be about how she doesn't fit in.
* Cosby Show: When Theo does this long monologue about not being perfect and maybe they could just accept him the way he is. It is intense and you really are expecting an emotional moment between father and son. That's why it is so funny when Cliff gets really upset and goes off on Theo!
* Full House: The pilot episode where DJ moves to the basement and then talks about how much she misses her mom.... made me cry!
* SVU: The one where Elliot's wife goes into labor and Olivia drives her to the hospital. At the end of this one, Elliot pulls Olivia in for a hug, and it was so incredibly sweet!
* Big Bang: When Sheldon is in the ball pit and refuses to get out...Bazinga!!!
* LOST: The finale when Sawyer and Juliet remember....oh...makes me smile to even think of it!!! Also, when Kate helps deliver Aaron for the second time.
September 15, 2010
The Women Who Raised Me
First, let me just say that I am so very grateful for all of my aunts, cousins, and people along the way who stepped in to help parent me in one way or another. For the sake of this entry though, I want to focus on a handful of women who stepped in at various points of my childhood and helped me get through some of life's bumpier roads.
I am going to start with my Aunt Judy. In all ways that count, Judy was my second parent. There are very few memories from my early childhood that don't involve my mom and Judy together. They were a team, raising their two boys and sharing me. Now, I was spirited from a very early age and I think we all know that this trait came from my mom. But there was another, very obvious trait, that I developed as a result of Judy's influence. I was a neat freak and as organized as you could imagine. I loved to help Judy clean, and spent hours lining up perfume bottles by height and color. This was where Judy and I spent a lot of one on one time together and I craved that so much. She was proud of me, and I craved that too. Our other big connection was church. Every Sunday, without fail, Judy would get me all dolled up and take me to Bible Center. I loved church and was very involved in everything. I would sit beside her sometimes, and I could feel how proud she was of me and how much she loved having me there. I was the little girl she had always wanted, and she was the one person (aside from my mom) whom I would go anywhere with. I remember times when a few of the aunts would be going to the store and all the kids would beg to go. They said no because there were just too many of us and it wasn;t fair to only let some. What the kids never knew is that I would sneak in and ask Judy and look so sad and she would let me go hide in the car as long as noone knew. She always made exceptions for me and that made me feel very special. She has always been there for me, no matter what, and gives me that same unconditional love that I got from my mom. I owe Judy so very much and a kid could never ask for two more amazing parents than my mom and Judy.
My Aunt Betty didn't really play a role in my life until I was in my teen years, and even then, it was indirectly, through her children and grandkids. I always new Betty as my mom's wild party pal from her youth. She had lived with mom when we were little, but I didn't really know Betty all that well. About the time I entered my teen years, Betty became a grandma and soon after, she had two more boys of her own. With all these new kids around, mine and Betty's world became very intertwined. Her two boys and three grandkids became very important in my life and I was soon spending most of my time with them. Betty and I sat through endless basketball games and cheerleading practices, Halloween parties, and church plays. I learned so much from watching Betty with all of her kids. There is so much we didn't agree on, and that led to some pretty heated arguments. But there was also something so very familiar about Betty. She was fierce when it came to protecting her kids. I remember people saying that I overreacted when someone hurt one of the kids I cared about, but with Betty, it was all out war if you dared to make one of them cry. For that, I admired her so much. Another thing I really admired about her was her faith. Betty was someone who had been through hell. She had endured more hurt than anyone I had met, and yet, there she sat in church with her boys every Sunday.... grateful. She refused to whine, or feel sorry for herself. She chose to see all her blessings and not dwell on the hard thing she was going through. She took the punches and just got right back up.... never saying a thing. She was a mom and had a job to do, and nothing was going to get in the way of that. More than anything, that is what I learned from Betty... to get back up.
What to say about my Aunt Glenda. Glenda is the aunt that everyone wanted to be around. She lived out of town, so when she came to town there was always a big get together. Everyone changed when she was there... all daily dramas were forgotten and people were laughing and relaxed. Glenda let us play with her expensive cameras, handed out clothes, snuck the kids Margarittas and said swear words to us for shock value! Glenda was cool :) For me though, Glenda was my "escape". She always treated me like an adult, which was something I craved so much. When I was a teenager Glenda let me come down to Oklahoma for a summer to watch one of her new grandkids... it was so nice to get that one on one time with her. We really talked about things and debated ideas and ethics (which I loved to do). She took us on a bus ride to Texas to protest the closing of an Air Force Base. We went on canoe ride and she even gave me a wine cooler. To me, she was the coolest person in the world...and she liked me! That was a huge confidence boost. One night there was a storm and all the lights went out in the neighborhood. We got candles and went to the "circle" outside her apartment and just talked for a really long time. That is my favorite memory. A few years later, when things were getting really hard in my world, Glenda let me bring one of the kids down to stay with her. We spent weeks working through things and she just "listened" as I talked things out. That is Glenda's most wonderful gift... she listens, and doesn't judge you or try to tell you what to do. She just lets you vent and offers support. For a teenager going through some serious emotional chaos, that was the greatest gift of all.
My Aunt Janie. I was seventeen when I went to stay with my aunt (who is actually my cousin) in New York. She lives in the country and during one of our previous trips we had joked that it would be fun to come spend a semester at her house and try country life. I was really close with my New York cousins and had come to idolize Janie and her friend Peggy. They were great... bossy and very "parenting" of me. I was really craving that. I was living away from my mom at the time, and feeling very unhappy where I was. I had all these kids who were looking up to me and I was fighting with their parents. I was justa kid but felt so very grown up and stuck. I felt so much responsibility and was very overwhelmed. Janie stepped in at exactly the right time in my life, and filled a very big void. She wasn't like my mom and Judy.... they babied me. Not her. She was strong and opinionated.... and even though she really was like Glenda, fun and silly,... with me, she pretended to be the "boss". In truth, I knew I could have just walked out at any time, but I was loving this new routine. At her house it was such a different dynamic. They had their own rooms....and so did I, which was amazing in itself! Her kids had rules, chores, and everyone attended church. It felt very much like pretending.... to be mad at having to do the dishes, or begging to stay home from school. I think she and I both knew that it was just fun to for me to hear the words, "No Regina, you can't!!!" In my world, that was never said and in a wierd kind of way...it was so nice to have someone else take the wheel. I felt like a kid there ( well, as close as I have ever felt like a kid anyhow). I was silly, and didn't worry about everyone. I played basketball, and walked in the fields. I rode a bike and swam in the crick. We played tricks on passing cars, and behaved irresponsibly. I let go, and was so very happy. I will always be grateful to Janie for giving me that. I hope she knows how amazing she and Peggy are, and I will never forget my last school day when they took me to the beach and we had breakfast and talked. It meant the world to me.
And of course, there is my mom. I cannot even begin to say enough about how amazing my mom is. There is nothing in this world that my mom has loved more than being a mother. She always hugged me and never once stopped me when I wanted to crawl into her lap. Every single night of my childhood, I curled up with her and she wrapped her arms around me until I fell asleep. She would watch my baby dolls for me and even slept on the couch one night because my baby dolls had already fallen asleep on her bed. I was so upset at the thought of waking them up to move them, that my mom just rolled her eyes and went to the couch. She was amazing. With my mom, I was the most important person in the world. She always made me feel that way. I was such an opinionated and dramatic little thing, and so full of my own ideas. She didn't always understand my passion, but she never dismissed it. My mom would listen to me debate for hours, and work out some ethical dilema I had heard about. And though she didn't cave when I begged her to move me to California so I could chase my movie star dreams, she talked to me in such a sweet way apologizing and trying to make me understand that she couldn't just move all of us to another state. My mom was so incredibly patient and protective of my heart. I love her for that. There are so many things I could list that my mom has done, but instead I will list what she has given me. She gave me strength...because she is one of the strongest people I know. She was so protective of my feelings and of us kids, and I am proud to say that she has taught me to be that way with the kids I love. Watching my mom with older people is the most amazing thing I have ever seen. She is an angel for these special people. My mom is patient and she is understanding. From Dene and James, to Grandma, to Nancy, and so many families along the way... my mom has provided families with a hug when they needed it most. From my mom, I have learned empathy, and how doing a little extra can make all the difference. I love my mom more than anything in this world. If I have done any good for anyone, it is because she has given me so much love, and so much support.
Women..... I am so grateful for these women, all of them, for helping me along the way. I have met so many kids who would give anything to have had even one person to take them under their wing, to hug them, to care. I am very aware of how blessed I am.... and if any of you are reading this, please know that from the bottom of my heart, I thank you.
I am going to start with my Aunt Judy. In all ways that count, Judy was my second parent. There are very few memories from my early childhood that don't involve my mom and Judy together. They were a team, raising their two boys and sharing me. Now, I was spirited from a very early age and I think we all know that this trait came from my mom. But there was another, very obvious trait, that I developed as a result of Judy's influence. I was a neat freak and as organized as you could imagine. I loved to help Judy clean, and spent hours lining up perfume bottles by height and color. This was where Judy and I spent a lot of one on one time together and I craved that so much. She was proud of me, and I craved that too. Our other big connection was church. Every Sunday, without fail, Judy would get me all dolled up and take me to Bible Center. I loved church and was very involved in everything. I would sit beside her sometimes, and I could feel how proud she was of me and how much she loved having me there. I was the little girl she had always wanted, and she was the one person (aside from my mom) whom I would go anywhere with. I remember times when a few of the aunts would be going to the store and all the kids would beg to go. They said no because there were just too many of us and it wasn;t fair to only let some. What the kids never knew is that I would sneak in and ask Judy and look so sad and she would let me go hide in the car as long as noone knew. She always made exceptions for me and that made me feel very special. She has always been there for me, no matter what, and gives me that same unconditional love that I got from my mom. I owe Judy so very much and a kid could never ask for two more amazing parents than my mom and Judy.
My Aunt Betty didn't really play a role in my life until I was in my teen years, and even then, it was indirectly, through her children and grandkids. I always new Betty as my mom's wild party pal from her youth. She had lived with mom when we were little, but I didn't really know Betty all that well. About the time I entered my teen years, Betty became a grandma and soon after, she had two more boys of her own. With all these new kids around, mine and Betty's world became very intertwined. Her two boys and three grandkids became very important in my life and I was soon spending most of my time with them. Betty and I sat through endless basketball games and cheerleading practices, Halloween parties, and church plays. I learned so much from watching Betty with all of her kids. There is so much we didn't agree on, and that led to some pretty heated arguments. But there was also something so very familiar about Betty. She was fierce when it came to protecting her kids. I remember people saying that I overreacted when someone hurt one of the kids I cared about, but with Betty, it was all out war if you dared to make one of them cry. For that, I admired her so much. Another thing I really admired about her was her faith. Betty was someone who had been through hell. She had endured more hurt than anyone I had met, and yet, there she sat in church with her boys every Sunday.... grateful. She refused to whine, or feel sorry for herself. She chose to see all her blessings and not dwell on the hard thing she was going through. She took the punches and just got right back up.... never saying a thing. She was a mom and had a job to do, and nothing was going to get in the way of that. More than anything, that is what I learned from Betty... to get back up.
What to say about my Aunt Glenda. Glenda is the aunt that everyone wanted to be around. She lived out of town, so when she came to town there was always a big get together. Everyone changed when she was there... all daily dramas were forgotten and people were laughing and relaxed. Glenda let us play with her expensive cameras, handed out clothes, snuck the kids Margarittas and said swear words to us for shock value! Glenda was cool :) For me though, Glenda was my "escape". She always treated me like an adult, which was something I craved so much. When I was a teenager Glenda let me come down to Oklahoma for a summer to watch one of her new grandkids... it was so nice to get that one on one time with her. We really talked about things and debated ideas and ethics (which I loved to do). She took us on a bus ride to Texas to protest the closing of an Air Force Base. We went on canoe ride and she even gave me a wine cooler. To me, she was the coolest person in the world...and she liked me! That was a huge confidence boost. One night there was a storm and all the lights went out in the neighborhood. We got candles and went to the "circle" outside her apartment and just talked for a really long time. That is my favorite memory. A few years later, when things were getting really hard in my world, Glenda let me bring one of the kids down to stay with her. We spent weeks working through things and she just "listened" as I talked things out. That is Glenda's most wonderful gift... she listens, and doesn't judge you or try to tell you what to do. She just lets you vent and offers support. For a teenager going through some serious emotional chaos, that was the greatest gift of all.
My Aunt Janie. I was seventeen when I went to stay with my aunt (who is actually my cousin) in New York. She lives in the country and during one of our previous trips we had joked that it would be fun to come spend a semester at her house and try country life. I was really close with my New York cousins and had come to idolize Janie and her friend Peggy. They were great... bossy and very "parenting" of me. I was really craving that. I was living away from my mom at the time, and feeling very unhappy where I was. I had all these kids who were looking up to me and I was fighting with their parents. I was justa kid but felt so very grown up and stuck. I felt so much responsibility and was very overwhelmed. Janie stepped in at exactly the right time in my life, and filled a very big void. She wasn't like my mom and Judy.... they babied me. Not her. She was strong and opinionated.... and even though she really was like Glenda, fun and silly,... with me, she pretended to be the "boss". In truth, I knew I could have just walked out at any time, but I was loving this new routine. At her house it was such a different dynamic. They had their own rooms....and so did I, which was amazing in itself! Her kids had rules, chores, and everyone attended church. It felt very much like pretending.... to be mad at having to do the dishes, or begging to stay home from school. I think she and I both knew that it was just fun to for me to hear the words, "No Regina, you can't!!!" In my world, that was never said and in a wierd kind of way...it was so nice to have someone else take the wheel. I felt like a kid there ( well, as close as I have ever felt like a kid anyhow). I was silly, and didn't worry about everyone. I played basketball, and walked in the fields. I rode a bike and swam in the crick. We played tricks on passing cars, and behaved irresponsibly. I let go, and was so very happy. I will always be grateful to Janie for giving me that. I hope she knows how amazing she and Peggy are, and I will never forget my last school day when they took me to the beach and we had breakfast and talked. It meant the world to me.
And of course, there is my mom. I cannot even begin to say enough about how amazing my mom is. There is nothing in this world that my mom has loved more than being a mother. She always hugged me and never once stopped me when I wanted to crawl into her lap. Every single night of my childhood, I curled up with her and she wrapped her arms around me until I fell asleep. She would watch my baby dolls for me and even slept on the couch one night because my baby dolls had already fallen asleep on her bed. I was so upset at the thought of waking them up to move them, that my mom just rolled her eyes and went to the couch. She was amazing. With my mom, I was the most important person in the world. She always made me feel that way. I was such an opinionated and dramatic little thing, and so full of my own ideas. She didn't always understand my passion, but she never dismissed it. My mom would listen to me debate for hours, and work out some ethical dilema I had heard about. And though she didn't cave when I begged her to move me to California so I could chase my movie star dreams, she talked to me in such a sweet way apologizing and trying to make me understand that she couldn't just move all of us to another state. My mom was so incredibly patient and protective of my heart. I love her for that. There are so many things I could list that my mom has done, but instead I will list what she has given me. She gave me strength...because she is one of the strongest people I know. She was so protective of my feelings and of us kids, and I am proud to say that she has taught me to be that way with the kids I love. Watching my mom with older people is the most amazing thing I have ever seen. She is an angel for these special people. My mom is patient and she is understanding. From Dene and James, to Grandma, to Nancy, and so many families along the way... my mom has provided families with a hug when they needed it most. From my mom, I have learned empathy, and how doing a little extra can make all the difference. I love my mom more than anything in this world. If I have done any good for anyone, it is because she has given me so much love, and so much support.
Women..... I am so grateful for these women, all of them, for helping me along the way. I have met so many kids who would give anything to have had even one person to take them under their wing, to hug them, to care. I am very aware of how blessed I am.... and if any of you are reading this, please know that from the bottom of my heart, I thank you.
September 13, 2010
The Piggy Bank Sermon
When I was younger I went to a church on the Eastside and sat in the pew as the pastor told this story about a little girl and her piggy bank. That message had a big impact on me, and I think about it all the time.
One day the little girl was outside playing with her friends when she heard the bells of the Ice Cream Truck! She ran inside and grabbed her piggy bank off the shelf and brought it over to the bed. She turned the bank upside down and began to shake it. A nickle fell out. She shook it again, and another nickle fell, and then a dime. The little girl was getting frustrated, knowing that she had put much more into this piggy bank than it was giving her back, now that she needed it. She held onto the sides and shook it harder, until the bed was covered in nickles, dimes and quarters. The little girl smiled at how much had been hidden inside that little bank.
After telling us that story, the pastor held up a piggy bank, and said that we are just like that little bank. As he walked to the front of the stage, he smiled and reminded all of us that God had put so many gifts and talents inside of each of us, and often, when he calls on us to use them, we turn away. The pastor held onto the bank and began to shake it so we could hear the change rattling inside as he continued. He said that God tries to remind us....with the bells and signs, and that often when we see that child in need, we buy them a new coat.....or when we see a family struggling, we put an extra $20 dollars in the offering plate, and then walk away. God becomes frustrated because he knows that he has put much more into us than we are giving him back. So, he begins to give us a little shake. Something in OUR world begins to come undone. That's when people start to pray...to pay attention. But as soon as God stops shaking, we get back up and continue on our way, just like we were before. So, God shakes harder this time, and harder until he gets our attention. He wants what he has put into us. He wants us to do more than hand out the money, or buy the kid a Happy Meal. He knows we have so much more to offer, and he will keep shaking until we give back what we have been given.
It is at this point in the sermon when the pastor stepped off the stage and began to walk in the isles, holding the piggy bank up high so we can all see it. He smiled and he looked at each one of us as he began to shake the bank again, saying that even though our world may be shaking, and we may feel that we cannot take much more, he said, "remember, God can't shake you, unless he has his hands around you. He's holding onto you, and he isn't going to let you break. He's waiting....he's waiting for you to do what you were put here to do. He wants you to give back what you have been given."
Powerful! I can still remember sitting in that church on Washington Ave with Judy, and being so overwhelmed by that message. I was young...maybe 12 or 13, but it really connected with me, and to this day, I think about that message.
One day the little girl was outside playing with her friends when she heard the bells of the Ice Cream Truck! She ran inside and grabbed her piggy bank off the shelf and brought it over to the bed. She turned the bank upside down and began to shake it. A nickle fell out. She shook it again, and another nickle fell, and then a dime. The little girl was getting frustrated, knowing that she had put much more into this piggy bank than it was giving her back, now that she needed it. She held onto the sides and shook it harder, until the bed was covered in nickles, dimes and quarters. The little girl smiled at how much had been hidden inside that little bank.
After telling us that story, the pastor held up a piggy bank, and said that we are just like that little bank. As he walked to the front of the stage, he smiled and reminded all of us that God had put so many gifts and talents inside of each of us, and often, when he calls on us to use them, we turn away. The pastor held onto the bank and began to shake it so we could hear the change rattling inside as he continued. He said that God tries to remind us....with the bells and signs, and that often when we see that child in need, we buy them a new coat.....or when we see a family struggling, we put an extra $20 dollars in the offering plate, and then walk away. God becomes frustrated because he knows that he has put much more into us than we are giving him back. So, he begins to give us a little shake. Something in OUR world begins to come undone. That's when people start to pray...to pay attention. But as soon as God stops shaking, we get back up and continue on our way, just like we were before. So, God shakes harder this time, and harder until he gets our attention. He wants what he has put into us. He wants us to do more than hand out the money, or buy the kid a Happy Meal. He knows we have so much more to offer, and he will keep shaking until we give back what we have been given.
It is at this point in the sermon when the pastor stepped off the stage and began to walk in the isles, holding the piggy bank up high so we can all see it. He smiled and he looked at each one of us as he began to shake the bank again, saying that even though our world may be shaking, and we may feel that we cannot take much more, he said, "remember, God can't shake you, unless he has his hands around you. He's holding onto you, and he isn't going to let you break. He's waiting....he's waiting for you to do what you were put here to do. He wants you to give back what you have been given."
Powerful! I can still remember sitting in that church on Washington Ave with Judy, and being so overwhelmed by that message. I was young...maybe 12 or 13, but it really connected with me, and to this day, I think about that message.
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